Strange declarations

Dear Cary,

I'm a 41-year-old woman in a 17-year relationship. I love my partner, and we have many wonderful things going for us. We love each other, we're very compatible, we have fun together. What we don't have is sex. I realize we are hardly the only long-term couple in the world with this problem, but what I need advice with now is how to grapple with the creative solution we have devised to deal with this dilemma.

We have therapized over this stuff for years, and it comes down to my partner's fears of deep intimacy and the complacency that comes with being with somebody for a long time. I am still very attracted to my partner, though I wonder if that's partially because of the years of sexual unavailability. Things are a bit of a one-way street in our classic "bed death" scenario. This has made it hard for me, since in some ways I feel I am just not attractive enough to be desirable. Yes, insecurity is an ugly thing.

This came to a head in two ways. I had an affair. It felt great, and this person has valued me and restored my sexual self-esteem. We haven't seen each other frequently, but when we have, it's been pretty wonderful. I broke things off after a period of time because I realized it was getting intense and starting to jeopardize my primary relationship, and I felt guilty about being dishonest.

Second, my partner fell for someone else and didn't actually have an affair, but I found out about the crush (mostly because it was painfully obvious). Despite my own recently checkered past, I got very angry and jealous and threatened. For a while, my partner agreed not to see this person and we tried hard to "work on things." After months of dramatic hellishness, we realized we had two choices -- break up, or become non-monogamous. Since we do love each other and have so much else going for us, we decided to try the latter.

So here we are. I've taken up with my affair again, and my partner has taken up with this other person. I agreed to this arrangement, but I am now struggling big time with the results. I can't stand it when I know my partner has been with her. I get jealous and am very distant and angry afterwards. I hate that I am like this, but I seem powerless to stop it.

Are we nuts to think this arrangement can work? We have sworn to keep "working on us" and not make this an excuse to not deal with our stuff. I hope that this arrangement will help things improve by giving us breathing room and freedom and cause us to not take each other for granted. But at times I want to go out and smash the headlights on "her" car. Ugh! Are we humans doomed to act out our basest emotions despite our own higher intentions?

The Partner

Dear Partner,

Well, basically, I'd say yes, we are doomed to act out our basest emotions despite our own higher intentions. Except that our basest emotions are smarter than our higher intentions. You appear to think that because you two thought up this "creative solution" on your own, putting it into practice shouldn't be frightening or difficult. That's like thinking that, if you're going to walk a high wire without a net, it'll be less scary and difficult if you spend a lot of time discussing how to climb the ladder first. The fact is that you're up there on the high wire now. It doesn't matter whose idea it was. If your partner starts having sex with someone else, the relationship may soon end. You know it, your partner knows it, and I know it. Everybody knows it. It's the way things work. Who knows why. Maybe God likes country music. But it's something we all know deep in our "basest emotions." That's why you're so upset. This fooling around threatens your relationship. It's not the solution to your problem.

What is the solution? Is there a solution? I don't know. But seeing your situation clearly has to be the first step. And clearly what you have done is alter the fundamental nature of your relationship. It is no longer a romance. It is now a coalition, a pragmatic joining of forces to mutual but separate benefit. Since pragmatism has entered the picture, your coalition is likely to shift as the needs of the members shift. So you're now in the realm of contracts. If I were you, I'd get a good agent. No smart player negotiates on her own. I'd go for a two- or four-year agreement, with penalties if you're traded early.

I know that sounded flip. But that's the fundamental truth: You've moved out of the realm of trust and security, and into the realm of negotiation and contracts. It's understandable that you're upset: Everything you have built all these years is threatened. So if it's possible, I would actually recommend making a contract with your partner that preserves at least a material fairness in the event that your experiment has the likely result.

Next Page: If you've never had a crush, check your level of testosterone

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