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Thursday, Nov 26, 2009
Dear Cary,
Is it ever OK to look up an old flame just for the heck of it? I am a happily married mom, but I found my old high school sweetheart on the Web the other day. (Confession: Yes, I have tried to find him on the Internet a couple of times over the many years, but no luck until now.) Is it OK to send him an e-mail saying "Hi, old stranger"? Would he think this was weird, pathetic and an attempt to rekindle something long dead and buried? Is it?
I don't think I am trying to rekindle anything, but I thought it might be fun to say hi and see what he's up to. But quite honestly, I don't know if I'd tell my husband because I'm afraid he might get jealous or think I am unhappy with him. Does that make this the wrong thing to do? I am a pretty squeaky-clean person, and I'm happy staying that way.
Questioning My Motives
Dear Questioning,
Great question. So you are a good girl? How good? You sound very good. There is such a thing as keeping in touch, having completely innocent, adult communication with people with whom there may have been a torrid past. And I am in favor of it. But you have to know what you're doing. If you are troubled and looking for some lost happiness, if you are prone to sudden inexplicable affairs, sometimes precipitated by nights of intoxicated revelry, if there was something about him you could never resist, if he always got his way with you, then you're in trouble.
You have to know which temptations you can safely refuse and which ones are a danger to you. That is not as easy as it sounds, because the truly dangerous temptations often look the most innocent. But it's what we do as adults to stay out of trouble and avoid harming the ones we love.
Within a marriage, you have the right to a private life. You don't have to tell everything you do, every day. What's important is that your conscience is clear (you're a good girl, not a psychopath, right? you do have a conscience). So if you should contact him out of curiosity and concern for his well-being, I don't see anything wrong with that, and I don't think you need to tell your husband. You just need to be sure, in your heart, that your motives are good.
Dear Cary,
I am experiencing a difficult time in my life. I have been going out with two guys for four years now, and it is impossible to choose between the two. I have been going out with A for ten years and B, four years. When I first went out with B, I felt lots of guilt about seeing B while A and I remained in contact. I had hoped that A would go away in my mind but he didn't. Both A and B are still here for me.
1. B and I: We are having more fights, as I am getting quite dissatisfied with our lifestyle and with myself. B owns his business and works long hours, and I wish that he had more time for me, as I am pretty depressed these days. B and I used to be really close, but I think we sort of lost that recently. I think both of us are unhappy enough so we don't really want to be close to each other emotionally. I sometimes visualize B and I being happy together with kids but I don't know if we can succeed. B said he loves me and is willing to work with me if I will commit. He thinks that I am depressed because I always make mental comparison between A and himself and it's hurting our relationship.
2. A and I: A wants me to settle with him and forget about the past. A has been waiting for me for four years now while I'm with B, and I feel really guilty. We have known each other since college and I feel more bonds than love sometimes. However, I have always been comfortable with A, who acts calm most of the time.
I am really lost and confused but I need to settle with one. Please help.
Lost
Dear Lost,
You say you are pretty depressed these days. I would focus on the depression and not the boys. Let me make an analogy: Say you were in the woods and trying to start two fires, but you had a deep cut in your arm. And you couldn't get either fire going because gathering wood was hard, and traveling between the two fire sites was tiring, and lighting it was hard because you couldn't spend enough time on either one, and nothing was working because your arm had this deep cut in it that made everything difficult. And a ranger happened along and you asked him, "Which fire should I light? I can't decide?"
He might suggest that first you fix the arm.
Does that make sense? The depression, like a cut in your arm, is something you can do something about. The boys, like the fire, are projects that may or may not work out regardless of what you do, and even if they do work out, you're still going to have that cut in your arm, which makes anything hard to enjoy. I assume that you are not like that guy in Jack London's story "To Build a Fire" -- that is, you don't actually need the fire to survive. It's just something to keep you warm.
How do you deal with depression? First you say, "I think I'm depressed" to someone who is trained in such matters: a doctor, a therapist, a caring friend. And then you follow through with whatever you have to do: You talk, you keep appointments, you consider information carefully, you try to trust the people who are trying to help.
However, let's say, for the sake of speculation, that everything in your life is peachy and you just can't decide between these two men. I believe in making choices just to move forward. Sometimes it doesn't matter what the choice is. It just matters that you make one. Choices clarify the situation. And they set in motion a set of imperatives which, however artificially constructed, can still give a sense of meaning and purpose to your life. They function as the rules of the game, and in following them and playing the game you begin to have the sensation of meaningfulness.
In its rudimentary form, meaning is nothing more than pattern; when things are all lined up, for instance, when their behavior is predictable, then one has the sense that they have meaning.
That is why marriage is such a satisfying cultural arrangement: It's a built-in system of meaning, like a little significance machine. Suddenly certain relatives are significant, certain dates are significant, certain acts with other people are significant. That is also why being determinedly single is so satisfying as well: It is a country of possibility where every turn has meaning because of its potential; every act is transformed into an adventure because at every turn there could be the prize: marriage, a hot fling, a mysterious encounter, whatever you happen to want at the moment.
So we confer meaning on life by defining our status and following the resultant plot line. If I didn't believe that you were depressed, I would simply suggest that you make a choice and follow it through. But I get a strong feeling that you first need to get some help for your blues.
