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Wednesday, Nov 25, 2009
I'm in love with a woman and she's in love with me, but I think I want more. How can I break it off with her? Plus: Is it OK to contact an old flame via e-mail?
Jan 29, 2002 | Dear Cary,
I'm 28 years old and I've been dating a 27-year-old woman now for almost a year. I'm in love with this woman and she's in love with me. We have fun together, we laugh, we spend lots of time together. Everything seems great. The only problem is I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with her.
We're just too different in so many important ways, and I don't feel the deep emotional connection with her that I know I should be feeling because I've felt it before with other people. So here's my dilemma: How do you break things off with someone when there isn't anything overtly wrong? We never argue, we have fun, we have great sex, but I really don't see us having a future.
FYI: this problem came into full relief after I met someone recently who sort of made me remember that there are people out there who I would be more compatible with. Nothing happened or will happen with this person, but it was an important realization for me.
Wanting Too Much?
Dear Wanting Too Much,
When the future arrives, it often seems just like the present, only a little later. So she might fit just fine into your life in the future, because it will seem so much like the present. But of course that future will also have its future, and you might be afraid that when the future of that future comes, she will not fit into it well at all. And yet when it comes, she fits in fine, because it's so much like the present. And so it goes.
So why not give the present a try? It is new, it has just arrived and it is relatively inexpensive. It is available for your inspection at any time.
You say, "I really don't see us having a future." I love that. Of course you don't see yourselves having a future because you're busy having a present. You know that silly thing they say in recovery places: How do you know that the moment is a gift? Because it's the present!
But really, to live a carefree and happy life it is necessary to rigorously interrogate your own assumptions about reality; then you may see that this "future" you want to be practical and realistic about is nothing but a linguistic mirage caused by the shimmer of words in the heat of worry.
But then, after all that rigorous interrogation of your assumptions, if you really have to break up with her, you don't need a good reason. Just say the relationship is too damned good and you can't stand it so you're breaking up with her because you love her and everything is fine. That'll show her.
