What's a guy to do?

Dear Hope,

Families are a known cause of temporary insanity under the best of circumstances. How stupefying, then, it must have been for your friends to arrive at his dying mother's house and carry out her belongings one by one: a life coming to an end, told in pieces removed from a house. And it is the capricious cruelty of the world that on just such occasions when we really need an adult along, it's the adult who can't help us because she's the one who's dying. And as you pack another box with figurines and photo albums, you remember you were going to call your friend, and you imagine yourself telling her that you just don't feel up to seeing her because of the crushing weight of sadness, surrounded by the objects of a lifetime that is passing away as you sit there in her house, and then you think of how hard it is to explain such things to your friend, who always wants the explanation, and wants it to be right, and compares what you're doing to what she would do, and finds you always come up just a little short. And maybe you're just not prepared to come up short at that moment, because you're doing your damnedest and you've got nothing extra to give.

I put myself in your friend's shoes because in your letter you compare yourself to her and you seem to come out on top, and you refer to "scolding" her. You say you're going through the same thing but you would never do a thing like this. But perhaps your friend, with all her faults, would never judge you as harshly as you judge her, and maybe that's a quality that she has that you lack, and maybe that's why she's your friend, in spite of her flakiness. Honestly, we all have to have ways of moving beyond these little hurts and keeping the big important things in mind. Do you love your friend? Do you value her company? Are you hurt when she is careless and changeable, when she doesn't do what she says? You can tell her that, can't you? Can't the two of you live through that? I hope you can, because friends are not to be cast off just because they aren't perfect. I hope you find a way to tell her how you feel.

Dear Cary,

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Whatever you do, don't lie, don't embarrass yourself in front of dogs and don't call yourself a "26-year-old professional."

I'm a 26-year-old professional, and I've recently made the very hard decision to move back in with my parents for a year to get things in financial order. (That year will begin in February.) I've also recently met a wonderful woman who's funny, unpretentious, has a great smile and, as an added bonus, looks great in low-slung jeans. We're supposed to go on our first date this coming weekend.

I am under no illusions -- that first date may not work out and I may not want another. But there's just something about this person, and I'm afraid that my new living arrangement will be a deal breaker; I am also afraid that by not telling her I'm moving back in with my folks until we've gotten to know one another better, she'll think I'm a liar and call it off on the spot.

Then again, she may not even want a second date if I lived in the kind of trendy warehouse you only see on "The Real World." How and when should I handle telling this exciting new girl that I'll be spending the next year or so with my parents for roommates, without turning her off?

Don't Want to Screw Up This New Thing

Dear Don't Want to,

I think your living with your parents is completely charming. I also think you are under no obligation to disclose all the details of your living arrangement on your first date. Of course, if she insists you fill out a form declaring that you do not now nor will you in the future ever again live in the same house as your parents, you're in trouble -- but then, if she's got forms for you to fill out, she's in trouble, too.

Sheesh, what's wrong with living as a family? Isn't the family the basic unit of human social organization? What has happened to America, anyway, that it's shameful to live as a family? Is that what being "a professional male" means? To isolate yourself in a fashionable duplex with sparkly walls and a tiny balcony where you can store a bike and a hibachi?

I just don't see what's wrong with living with your folks. It's better than living with dudes who steal your pot. And you're only doing it while you get on your feet. Why, any smart girl will recognize that you're a decent guy who might even make a good husband. Though I do get the impression that you're a little impressed with yourself, and that you view relationships with women as deals for which there can be clear-cut "breakers."

And while I'm at it giving you a hard time, let me say this: Would you please not call yourself a "26-year-old professional male"? That sounds like some faux social class dreamed up by condominium developers. If you're a recent law school graduate, or you just passed the bar, or got your M.D., or whatever it is, just say that. Vaguely inflated labels are the refuge of the insecure. Work hard, save up a down payment and be the nice, decent guy that your parents still believe you to be. The girl, your employers, your future in-laws and I will all thank you for it.

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