What's a guy to do?

I lied about past infidelities, and now I want to tell the truth to my true love. Will she accept it, or will she leave me in the dust?

By Cary Tennis

Jan 8, 2002 | Dear Cary,

I got married young and repented at leisure, committing a handful of infidelities before we finally (and wisely) divorced. It took a couple of rebound relationships and a few years of (mostly) voluntary celibacy, but I came to the point where I really believed that I understood and had grown beyond the issues that ended my marriage and was ready to make a relationship work.

Enter the woman of my dreams. She's smart and beautiful and great in bed, and for the first time in my life I really feel like I get what this whole love thing is about. Happy ending, right?

Until I found myself swearing to my new girlfriend that my divorce was "just one of those things" and that I've never cheated on my wife or been unfaithful to anyone. Now this lie is eating me up. My girlfriend has told me about some deeply personal and painful experiences in her life, and I feel like I've repaid her honesty pretty shabbily.

Whatever you do, don't lie, don't embarrass yourself in front of dogs and don't call yourself a "26-year-old professional."

My friends say it's no big deal (there's no STD issue, as I've always used condoms, and the affairs happened five years and several blood tests ago), she'll never find out, and she probably didn't believe it anyway. Well, first of all, I'm sure that she does believe it, and has formed an undeservedly high opinion of me. And, from a purely practical point of view, my wild years were not exactly a secret at the time. I'm sure one of these same old friends of mine who thinks it's no big deal will let it slip to my girlfriend, and then it really will be curtains.

So that's my Catch-22 -- do I keep my mouth shut, live with being a liar and hope she doesn't find out? Or do I tell her, knowing there's a good chance that she'll judge me -- which would hurt -- or leave me, which would be devastating? The irony is that I am crazy about this woman, and I would never think of cheating on her. But how can I expect her to have faith in me after I've lied about something like this? And how the hell should I have handled her questions about my past in the first place?

Gutless in Virginia

Dear Gutless,

Don't let your guilt about lying drive you to make a reckless confession that warps her view of who you are. Expiate your guilt on your own, in confession or through ritual. She's not your confessor or your therapist.

Then, when you're no longer sweating it out like Raskolnikov, ask yourself: What is the ideal? How do you want to portray your past to your girlfriend?

True, you did lie to her. But we construct and manage our personal past; it is not some permanent monument in the jungle that any intrepid explorer could discover independently. It's dynamic; it's a creation of memory; and it's yours. And the degree to which you spill the contents recklessly, or tend them carefully, with regard for their effect, is largely up to you.

Certain words will hang in the air like a bad fart on a hot train. They cannot be taken back. Call it spin if you will, but we all do it every day because we care about how people perceive us. So construct a narrative that doesn't portray you as an unfeeling, sadistic monster, but as a human being learning how to love.

You don't have to call yourself a vile cheater, a base liar, a defiler of women. When the time comes, admit that when she asked you about your marriage, you didn't tell her the whole truth -- but put it in general terms that don't set off alarms. It wasn't a good marriage. You weren't the ideal husband. You married young. You both had a lot to learn. You fooled around. It's not the kind of thing you'd repeat. You're glad it's over. You've grown up since then. She -- your new girlfriend -- matters to you a lot, and you don't want your past actions to destroy what you've got. That kind of thing.

If she asks for specifics, be careful; there are always going to be some things from the past you keep to yourself. Don't divulge, for instance, the number of times you screwed women other than your wife while you were married, and the number of women involved, much less their names. Don't give her ugly details that keep her up at night, that undermine the picture she has of you, that force her to struggle to reconcile the irreconcilable. She might even press you for details. Don't give in. It's your job to reconcile your past with your present, not hers. All she should have to deal with is who you are now. Keep the focus on the present. Screw up with her, and she'll be gone. Be a good man now, and you and she can have a happy life.

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