Friday, Jul 25, 2008
How can I stop worrying about what other people think of my boyfriend?
Dec 18, 2001 |
Dear Cary,
I am almost 30 years old, and I have been dating a wonderful man for almost a year. We have tons in common, we laugh a lot, and he is the most caring person I have ever known. However, I still find myself worrying too much about what others think of him. I've had the sharp-dressed man who says all the right things at parties. I've had the man with lots of money. Yet these men and I did not have the relationships that I yearned for, a relationship that I now have.
Despite my happiness, I cannot get over a longtime problem I've had -- being too hard on my boyfriends, as well as being too hard on myself. When I introduce my boyfriend to my friends, I'm afraid he's going to say the wrong thing and embarrass me. I am ashamed of my thoughts - they are unfair to the person I love, and they cause me to spend time and energy thinking about things that don't matter.
Is my behavior normal? Do you think someone like me can ever be completely at ease? I'm dating the type of person I've always wanted to be with and am torturing myself with my paranoia. Am I destined to live alone because I'm too hard on others?
It Ain't Right Being So Uptight
Dear It Ain't Right,
I know what you're talking about. Isn't it awful? (Are you a Virgo?) You want to put your hand over his mouth and say "Shush!" Or you want to retell the story, the same story, but the right way, leaving out the dumb details. It's a terrible human trait. I've got it, too, because I want desperately to be liked. I also have a deep need to see the world as I imagine it to be. I live mostly in a fantasy world, so when I have to enter the world as it is I grieve a little. Isn't that sad? But it's true. When I was in graduate school I read a lot of Henry James and I wanted the world to be like the world in Henry James, where everyone has inner monologues with the complexity, depth and richness of fine wine, and everyone understands the detailed subtext of everyone else's merest utterance.
Not to put too fine a point on the obvious, but people you meet at work and at college aren't like the people in Henry James. People are the way they are. The key to accepting that sad and mundane fact is to find some bedrock of self-worth that allows you to stand on your own two feet and accept whatever reactions your friends have to the man you love. However indecorous it may be, that's the way it is, princess. If your friends love you, they will attempt to get to know the man you love, because that's what people who love you do. They reach out.
If you can stop worrying about what they think long enough to act with some grace, you can help them get to know him. Assuming what you have in mind is a long-term relationship with this man, you can have some frank conversations with your closest friends; admit that you're afraid they think your boyfriend is goofy; tell them you want them to see him as you see him.
This may be harder than it sounds, because your friends may not even be your friends. People who are overly concerned with what others think have difficulty forming frank, solid friendships, and so what you have may be simply a coterie of acquaintances whom you value for their status or their appearance. Don't expect them to be on your side. They may be catty and unsupportive. A real friendship is one that allows you to tell your friend about your fears, to seek advice, to ask for patience and goodwill toward those you love.
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