Friday, Jul 25, 2008
Look for a man who has reached the "no bullshit" stage, where they accept who they are and the way life is.
Dec 4, 2001 | Dear Cary,
I'm about to turn 60 and have had a boyfriend for the last year-plus. We spend weekends together and have fun, but he's had a hard life, with foster parents, orphanages, divorces, etc., and says he's wary of getting close because he's been hurt many times. There are things I like about him and things I don't like. (I've been married three times and don't have any illusions about "perfect for me" guys.)
I'm thinking that maybe I need to break up with him and look for someone who would be more open to a real commitment, before I'm so old and decrepit that no man will even give me a second look. Every time I've tried to "talk things over" he withdraws or just trots out his old statement about being "afraid of getting hurt again." Should I move on or be more patient and hope he comes around? Should I lie about my age? (There's two good ones for you. Help!)
Stuck in SF
Dear Stuck in SF,
When men are young, they are often still learning how to express intimate feelings. So it's sometimes reasonable to stay with a young man while he masters the art. But since this man has had a long, hard life, and bases his reluctance to get close to you on the pain he's experienced during that life, it seems unlikely that he is going to abandon that rationale -- which is probably quite vital to his emotional equilibrium -- and quickly open up. He has probably made his accommodations to life and to his own limitations, and is asking you to accept him as he is. If that is not acceptable to you, you should break up with him and move on.
Older guys who've had rough lives don't seem to change much. They just learn to live with it, like a missing limb.
As to lying about your age: I wouldn't do it. So you're 60. That's a fact. Facts are beautiful. Facts are to be celebrated. They're all that stand between us and some murky world where nothing is true. The truth is to be celebrated. Any man who can't handle that fact isn't worth your time. A psychotherapist I know likes to say that when old men mature emotionally as well as physically, they reach a "no bullshit" stage, where they accept who they are and the way life is. A man who's done that is going to accept your age as simply one more beautiful fact.
Get Salon in your mailbox!