Hair do's and don'ts

Is there a way to gently tell my boyfriend his combover is ridiculous? Plus: The ex-lover I'm still smitten with keeps trying to set me up with other girls!

By Cary Tennis

Nov 20, 2001 | This is the sixth week of this column, and so far one thing is clear: There's no better way to find out how limited your viewpoint is than to give out advice to thousands of people over the Internet. There's also no better way to get that deeply satisfying sense that you have connected profoundly with people around the world, which is the central wish of most people who write.

That anybody with a computer and a phone line can "publish" their thoughts has not caused the revolution in discourse that some predicted, but it has profoundly changed the speed and volume of feedback that writers get. Journalism remains largely a one-to-many form of communication, but the many can talk back to the one with an ease and speed never before possible. And talk back they do.

Some of the most interesting mail I've gotten recently concerned the woman who couldn't stop lying. Apparently there are many folks out there who've attacked the problem successfully with a practical approach to behavior modification. There was also volumes of mail about the woman who was concerned about her future husband leaving her because of her weight, and the husband who refused to talk to his best man after the wedding.

Next week I'll print some of those responses, and try to keep this fascinating dialogue going.

Oh, I almost forgot: Audio! Wednesday I'll answer one letter -- from a woman who doesn't want kids but thinks maybe she should have some anyway -- in my own voice on Salon Audio.

Now, from this week's mail:

Dear Cary,

I am now living with a man whom I dated for 10 years. I kept hoping we would move in together and finally just this year, he asked me to move in.

Things are OK but there are three things bothering me. The first big thing is that he doesn't have a job. He hasn't worked for two years now; he keeps saying he will get a job, but keeps not working or looking. The second big thing is when I moved in, I got rid of a lot of stuff so as not to crowd us. He has gotten rid of very little. I'm not talking fine furniture, I'm talking tools and what I consider junk. I've carved out little alcoves to put my stuff in, but I hate having just about everything I own in a box somewhere. The third thing is that since he stays home all day while I work and has no outside interests, I am getting very bored with him. I am contented in some ways and life is certainly predictable, but it just doesn't feel right.

When I come home at night I feel like I'm his entertainment. He calls me at work and just assumes I will have time to chat.

I hate to leave if this relationship is salvageable, but hate to stay if it means living a cavelike existence. I'm in my 50s so there is an element of "good grief, what will I do with my life if I leave him" going on as well. I need an unbiased, honest opinion of whether I am an idiot for staying or a fool for leaving.

Cave Dweller

Dear Cave Dweller,

He's probably used to having the motorcycle carburetor in the kitchen sink and the airplane propeller sitting on the dining room table; he just eats around it, right? Well, you did move into his house; good luck transforming his museum of useless Jeep parts into a Martha Stewart showcase. It'll take time; you're only in the first stages of establishing a homeland for yourself in his long-occupied territory.

Since you say you feel contented in some ways but it just doesn't feel right, it's probably salvageable but you have to work on those things that are bothering you: the job thing, the stuff thing and the lazy slob thing. These are manageable, practical problems. If you really like the guy, if being with him makes you feel safe and comfortable and if he's even occasionally amusing or exciting, I'd say try to make gradual improvements. How do you do that? Attack each problem with steady resolve: One want ad at a time, one screwdriver at a time, one night out at a time.

Keep job prospects in his face. Even if you have to dial yourself, get him to make the necessary job-finding phone calls.

Slowly create organization in chaos. And consciously work to create variety in your week, so that you don't always come home to the same drowsy slob on the couch. Prod him occasionally to meet you after work somewhere out of the home.

It's almost always best to get rid of junk instead of storing it, but you'll have to win a diplomatic war first if you expect him to part with it. If he won't get rid of it, consider the absurd and costly step of simply storing it somewhere. After storing it a long time he'll discover he doesn't need it and he's wasted lots of money, and he'll get rid of it. At least in the meantime it won't be in the house.

Next Page: In a word: Combover

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