Friday, Jul 25, 2008
Should my husband be grading me on my sexual performance? Should I get braces? Should I trust someone just because he pays his taxes on time? Cary answers all these questions, and more.
Oct 30, 2001 | Dear Cary,
I have been in a loving relationship for three years with a woman who is kind, intelligent, funny and who loves me very much. We both share the same beliefs and goals, and I am blessed to have her in my life.
Our physical relationship is less passionate and more sporadic in nature than I would like, though in the beginning of our relationship the opposite was true. We are working to bring the excitement back, and we are talking increasingly about marriage.
On one hand, I think I'm ready for this step. But there are aspects of my behavior that have been troubling me. To begin with, I keep in daily contact with two serious ex-girlfriends, both of whom still have feelings for me and for whom my own feelings are unresolved. I feel guilty because I know that there are more than platonic feelings involved, although I do not see a future with either of them.
Last weekend, at the end of a drunken night with friends, I ended up kissing another woman I had just met that night. The next thing I knew, we were in bed together (although kissing was the extent of it). I felt horrible the next morning -- this is the first time I have cheated on my girlfriend in our three years together -- but perhaps worse than the guilt, I felt worried about my own ability and desire to stay monogamous. I love my girlfriend, but the intoxication of kissing a new person was heady, and I don't know how to reconcile the two.
I am planning to visit one of my exes in the next few months, and I am thinking: If I don't have the willpower to resist a stranger, how will I fend off the desire to be with my ex? Should I fend off that desire? I feel that I must see her to get some closure to the situation, but I don't like the uncertainty that has been with me since this past weekend's indiscretion.
Am I a horrible man who doesn't deserve the love of this good woman, or am I just a flawed human being for whom there is hope? I want to have a life with her, but recent events make me wonder if I'm emotionally ready and/or capable of that. It all leaves me quite --
Confused
Dear Confused,
It sounds to me like you're not ready to settle down. There's nothing wrong with not being ready to settle down. But you owe it to your girlfriend to tell her -- not that you still have the hots for your exes, or that you got drunk and climbed into bed with some girl you just met (and especially not that you got drunk and got in bed with her "but we just kissed"!). But do tell her that you're not ready to settle down yet. She might be hurt and she might not want to wait around for you, but then again she might not be ready to settle down with you either. Start by telling the truth.
Are you sticking with her because that's what you think you're supposed to do to be a good man? There will be times for loyalty to triumph over impulse, but I don't think you're there yet. I think your impulses are still those of a young man who hasn't found his true love.
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