Arrivederci, Iowa

Forbes' impromptu representative, a 36-year-old computer installer named Brian Litscher, whipped out a Forbes mailer that heralded the publisher's plans to privatize Social Security. "I'm a geek, I like numbers, numbers mean something to me," Litscher said to the room. He calculated that a 15 percent return on a hypothetical investment would wield more than $4 million. "So if you want to be a millionaire, then you ought to vote for Steve Forbes!"

"The issue in America isn't abortion, it isn't taxes, it's morality," said Charles Janzen, a 51-year-old auditor who brought his two sons to the caucus. "We need to do what's right and you can do that by voting for Alan Keyes."

Saying that he was impressed with all of the candidates except for McCain, letter carrier Phil Bechtel, 39 and wearing a Rush Limbaugh T-shirt, spoke about Bauer's aggressive stance against China.

No one spoke for McCain or Hatch. The participants voted by secret ballot. Bush won 137 votes, Forbes 72, Keyes 31, McCain 23, Bauer 8 and Hatch 1.

Next door, in the school cafeteria, West Des Moines City Councilman Ted Ohmart led his GOP precinct in a similar exercise.

Again, no one spoke on behalf of McCain or Hatch. Nor did anyone stand for Forbes. "That is surprising," said Ohmart. Bush won 88 votes, Forbes 34, Keyes 17, McCain, 12, Bauer 6 and Hatch 1.

Who were the two people who voted for Hatch? The secret nature of the GOP caucuses didn't allow such a thing to be revealed. Keyes' supporters, on the other hand, were relatively large and in charge.

"I really like his moral stance," said Jason Greer, 23, a first-time voter who spoke for Keyes at Ohmart's caucus. "He is definitely a motivator."

The Democratic caucuses down the hall didn't represent what was going on elsewhere in the state. Bradley may have a big L plastered on his forehead, but at Valley High School he was a BMOC. Bradley supporters -- wearing blue "Bradley Buddy" stickers -- swamped the halls.

Other classrooms were similarly packed like sardine tins. The aromas of bad breath and sweat -- heated by the school's furnace -- made reporting in some of the precincts unbearable.

One caucus that only drew three people for the 1998 gubernatorial caucuses drew 171 people Monday night -- 99 of whom wanted Bradley in the White House. Perhaps appropriately, the caucus was so well-attended, it had to move from a classroom to the gym.

"My dad watched him play basketball," said David Isaacson, 18, a Valley High student whose government teacher required him to attend the caucus.

Added Nate Zittergruen, 17, another Bradley supporter, "My parents think he's really smart."

Both students asked me to put them in this story so as to please their teacher.

But despite the teenagers' affection for Bradley, and his excellent performance in the seven Valley High Democratic caucuses, it wasn't enough.

"Wow!" a way-psyched Gore exclaimed to the crowd at the Iowa state fairgrounds, thanking them for what he called the best contested caucus victory in history. "This experience has been extremely gratifying in what you taught me." Slamming Bradley, Bush and Forbes, Gore promised that he has "not begun to fight."

Bellowing that he "can't wait to get to New Hampshire," Gore got onto his airplane to head to New Hampshire as soon as possible.

As did Bush. As did Bradley. As did Forbes.

I can't blame them for moving on. Having spent night after cold, boring night here, I've begun to understand Iowa's crystal meth problem.

And as the caucus came to its foregone conclusion, chairman Davis acknowledged that Iowa's role in Decision 2000 pretty much ended as the votes were tallied.

"With the few electoral votes Iowa has," he said, "we know we're just not gonna make much of a difference beyond tonight."

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