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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Pestilently fecund children's publishing synergies have spawned a squirming, mewling, instinctively sucking, obliviously pooping litter of new celebrities. Awww. Aren't they sweet!
Jun 28, 2002 | How many top celebs would you say there are in the world today? About a hundred? Maybe 110?
This spring, Scholastic Book Clubs, the big book-peddling outfit that uses elementary school teachers much the way Avon uses ladies, introduced the "People Almanac 2002" to the sound-it-out crowd. "You go, girl!" the copywriters at Scholastic urged budding scholars, empowering them to order the updated compendium. Why such a lavish outlay of marketing savvy? Because this year the almanac's "People Register" has been upgraded, and it's got more names than ever!
Care to change your guess? 175? 176? Remember, top celebs. 112?
Not even close. Children who purchase the ultimate source for the scoop on pop culture -- from the magazine that treats hot stars much the way a poodle treats an old thong it's dug up from under a couch cushion (getting into a devotional position on top of the thing and then avidly licking its little crotch) -- get the full lowdown on over 600 top celebs.
That is a town. Two of some towns. Who can all these people possibly be? Check it out for yourself -- here are six of them now.
Celeb 277: Nancy Entwhistle. A true Hollywood Cinderella story, Nancy was pulled out of the audience at a taping of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" and made to sit on a stool while the zany improvisateurs performed charades at her. As showbiz legend has it, Colin (Celeb 95) was acting out Matthew Perry (Celeb 408). Nancy shouted, "Jim Belushi!" (Celeb 572). And the rest, as they say, is a People cover story [May 11, 2001].
Matt and Jim have promised Nancy a juicy role in the project they're developing. She hopes to play the daughter of the lady surgeon who separates the boys in order to marry one of them. Which one? Nancy says she couldn't tell us even if she knew! The Full Lowdown: Nance had never even heard of "Whose Line?" She got dragged to the studio by a desperate friend with an embarrassing mother. The Scoop: "Hollywood parties are a real eye-opener. So many of the celebs you thought were dead aren't!" Tell it, Girlfriend!
Celeb 296: Eveline Parker. Willow dining room furniture. Hand-woven lamp wicks. Heritage perennials. Third grade. Where does Evie find the time? Shove over Mary-Kate (Celeb 42) -- Evie's new line of gingham pajamas are pret-a-party! And she can whip up a dozen pairs on a school night, no sweat! Stop hogging the friendship quilt, Ashley (Celeb 123) -- let Evie show you how to make your own! A TV show? A magazine? Eventually a media empire, a deeply scarred ex-husband, and a signature fragrance? What does Evie think of all the buzz? She's not fazed. She keeps bees!
The full lowdown: Evie says she's over her desperate crush on Mark Wahlberg (Celeb 336), and she didn't send any crazy fan letters. "How could I? I wasn't allowed to touch scissors until I was four!" The scoop: Evie makes her own blackstrap molasses. "It's simple!" Loves: fresh sassafras. Hates: picking cooties out of a batch of sun-dried prunes.
Celeb 376: Sam Pinkersby. Why is it every time we see a photo of Princess Eugenie lately (Celeb 21), we can't take our eyes off the dreamy lad carrying her knapsack, or fetching her croquet ball, or riding behind her in the golf cart or in front of her on the lawnmower, or grooming her horse, or standing in the background with something like a scoop and one of Grandma's Welsh corgis or else a quoit and a bag of fish and chips? Britain's newest inductee into the House of Celebs sure is a scene-stealer -- hope he stays out of dark tunnels!
