Thursday, Jul 24, 2008
What's the effect of directly witnessing a sudden death? This happened, of course, on 9/11. Have you worked with people who are dealing with that kind of shock?
Yes. Of course, when they witness it, there's the "Why them, not me?" because they were obviously physically close enough that they were almost there. They experience all those questions, the feelings and values of that moment, much more intensely than a person who was not present.
I believe that the biggest challenge there, of course, is the visual image. To hear about death is one thing; to see death is a whole different thing. And we see this in wars all the time -- these people come back that have seen it and have survived and what that does to them psychologically.
Post-traumatic stress?
Yes. And so you begin to move into more cases where you're having the post-traumatic stress disorders and the general anxiety, the clinical mental depression, the major depressive episodes, because just as joyous as it is to see a birth -- you know how exciting that is for people -- it's just as intense when someone leaves the world. Just as you'd never forget the birth of your child, you'll never forget seeing someone die.
That stage is an entire category of grieving. Many times those people who see that -- for example, if you take bystanders that were on the street when the WTC buildings collapsed -- will tell you that they would have rather been in the building than lived after seeing what they saw.
One of the true gifts of going through the experience is, when you get to the point where you've moved through many of the stages of grief -- when you're, say, 18 months out -- is that you can see life in a different way than everyone around you. You truly see the value of a moment more than anyone else. That's probably the greatest gift that you can glean from these experiences, but a lot of people don't get to that stage.
People reassess their lives, sometimes people make radical changes. Do these changes last, or do they tend to go back to their old ways after a few months?
Normally, the changes are so radical you cannot go back to your old ways. For example, you might move. You might say, "Since I'm not with my husband anymore, I don't want to be in this house with these memories." Or you may change jobs.
As for the social element, it depends on the situation. Often when you lose someone, especially a spouse, your entire social status changes. If you were friends with other couples, you may find that they'll no longer be in your inner circle of friends -- primarily because most people are uncomfortable with death and they will not know how to respond to you, and you will often be uncomfortable with them because it reminds you of the fact that, say, you're there without your husband.
One of the things that is so important [to realize] is that normal does not exist anymore for these people [who've lost someone suddenly]. Normal as they knew it will never happen again. And humans aren't very good with permanent changes like that and understanding them, so our inclination is to give people a time period and insist they should adapt within that period, then go back to their normal functioning. And that can't happen.
I call it the "10 days syndrome." You see it in the media: Something happens, it's covered intensely for 10 days. It's just like that with the bereaved. You lose someone, the first 10 days you'll receive more phone calls, more visitors, more food than you ever thought existed in the world. But during those first 10 days you are fully in shock and will barely remember anything that happened.
Then somewhere around the 11th or 12th day, your body begins to let in some of the facts of what has happened. When you experience this loss you become almost catatonic. Your body shuts down because it can't accept that information. Then, as you're ready to assimilate it, once you get to that point, almost everybody else is gone -- they've moved on. Now you're ready and you need help and there's no one there.
And the aloneness really starts to sink in.
Yes. One of the most important things that people can do for someone who goes through this -- if they themselves can't do it, they should find a network or create one; two or three people -- is ensure that someone is with them constantly from day one, coming in every three to four hours and just checking on them. That way when they get to the stage where they're ready to talk about what happened, they have someone who shared it with them.
Are there ways of responding to sudden death and coping with the aftermath that are especially typical of Americans?
Yes, there are probably two things that you see most often. One is you see the active grievers, and these are the people that -- like the NYC widows of firefighters group -- have lost someone and the next thing they're doing is building an organization to help the people around them. And it's very important to actually address that a little bit -- that is a healthy way to grieve. For example, myself, I wrote a book. I wanted to take this awful experience and find a way to bring something out of it. The problem with that is if you get overconsumed.
Too much deflection of feeling?
Yes. You begin to use that as a device to not deal with your grief -- instead you help everyone else. But you never resolve your own issues.
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