Exotic mating rituals of a tribe called Hollywood

The prenup

If the union is deemed particularly remunerative for one of the lovers, the press engages in a denunciation of the motives and/or depth of feeling of the possessor of the lesser fortune, particularly when the details of the prenuptial agreement become known.

As Zeta-Jones and Douglas prepared to consecrate their union in the eyes of God and the National Enquirer, there were rumors that Douglas had offered Zeta-Jones $1.4 million for every year she stayed married to him -- in the event that they ended up divorced. Zeta-Jones had insisted on three times that amount, and a compromise was reached at $2.8 million.

But the prenup is not just a defense against a resounding future fleecing; it also formalizes (far more than the informal "engagement") the couple's intention to marry. It also allows the economically superior half of the couple to display his or her wealth while the economically inferior one flaunts his or her noble intentions.

Recently irritated by speculation that she was only in her relationship with Douglas for the money, Zeta-Jones asserted that "prenups are brilliant, because it's all sorted out."

So while attorneys hammer out the details of the post-separation dowry, the more impecunious lover often takes the opportunity to loudly praise the intended's business acumen.

"If I were marrying someone of lesser fortune who was 25 years younger," Zeta-Jones reasoned, "I'd be doing exactly the same thing."

This occurs only after the more impecunious lover has been foiled in his or her attempts to raise the amount offered to an acceptable fortune.

The gathering of the tribe for the wedding feast

The wedding should draw a crowd of at least 400 of the couple's closest business associates. Mothers may attend in the rare instances that they are not "estranged." They may not, however, sit in the front row unless they happen to be Mike Ovitz.

It is acceptable to decline to invite "problematic" blood relatives, though if the couple is young and new to marriage, the inclusion of family is often considered quaint. Charmed guests at the Aniston-Pitt wedding remarked that "it was an emotional wedding; it was not a business thing." The more traditional union of Madonna and Ritchie was attended by Gwyneth Paltrow, Celine Dion, Sting and Elton John, but not by Madonna's brother Martin.

The authoring of the vows -- by the couple

Not only are traditional vows a bit restrictive, but they tend to shed the spotlight on the minister, shaman or cult leader conducting the ceremony, who is rarely cuter than the couple and often drones on and on.

Young celebrity couples often use their vows as a short comedy interlude to lighten up what can sometimes be very long and overly "serious" ceremonies.

Aniston and Pitt delighted their guests with solemn promises such as "I promise to make your favorite banana milkshake" and "I promise to split the difference on the thermostat."

The assembly then goes wild.

Pregnancy and childbirth

Public ululation about the desire for progeny is believed to aid in conception. Earlier this year, Kate Winslet expressed a wish to have three or four children, while Ben Affleck claimed to want eight. That Winslet now has one daughter, Mia, and Affleck has none does not mitigate the belief. When, despite repeated assertions by a couple that they want children desperately, conception does not occur, they explore adoption. Adoption allows the mother to be photographed in maternal attitudes immediately, without having to wait to shed the weight gained during pregnancy.

Sharon Stone was "ready for motherhood" two years ago, explaining why she and husband Phil Bronstein "make love every moment that we get a chance." This year, the couple adopted a boy and named the child Roan, after a Celtic seal.

Denial of pregnancy

News of a pregnancy is leaked to the press, allowing the couple to indulge in emphatic and acrimonious denials. After months and months of denying rumors that she was pregnant, Madonna came forth with the news. These denials serve as a reminder that the fetus is a fiercely guarded fetus like no other fetus that ever came before. Fetus love also recharges protective instincts, and strains relationships between the A-list power brokers and the press.

"We would be grateful if the media would kindly allow us some privacy at this special time," said Ritchie when Madonna's pregnancy was announced. "And we thank you all for your good wishes."

Body consciousness

Once pregnant, the female of the couple attempts to fend off weight-gain-induced panic by dwelling on increased bust size.

Kelly Preston, Zeta-Jones and others, as young, female members of the tribe, can easily become fixated on the characteristics of reproductive organs -- even secondary ones.

"My husband loo-ooves it when I'm pregnant," said Preston of John Travota, whose increase in affection for her is apparently related to her breasts becoming engorged with milk.

Childbirth

Natural delivery or childbirth assisted by anyone who is not a member of the medical profession is often seen as preferable.

Before giving birth to her daughter, Winslet declared she would decline drugs during delivery, explaining: "Giving birth is what we're designed to do, so we should bloody well get on with it." Winslet did, however, allow that she might call her acupuncturist for a little shot of relief.

Childbirth is seen as a new challenge for the competitive female member of the tribe. Childbirth also provides rare hands-on life experience.

"I'm stoical and have a pretty high pain threshold," Winslet said. "I've had a good training for labor with some of my film roles, especially 'Titanic.'"

Child rearing can then be handed off to qualified professionals.

Retreat and reemergence

The postnatal period is time for retreat and renewal. The female is kept sequestered until the fat comes off.

When Zeta-Jones' intended arrived at the maternity ward with a box of chocolates in hand, she chastised Douglas for his insensitive gift choice in light of her desire to shed her pregnancy weight before their wedding. Douglas returned bearing a $25,000 diamond bracelet.

Adoptive parents may appear in public immediately, but are also required to engage in the ceremonial postpartum public display of emotion.

Postnatal public emotion

New mothers are expected to proclaim newly discovered baby love.

Winslet says motherhood has made her "squishy" and that she is now "a lot less hectic than I was. I've stopped smoking and I've become a much calmer, softer person."

After the birth of her son, Madonna echoed Winslet. "I'm more comfortable with myself and I am different," the Maternal One said. "It grounds you when you're a parent. I could have spiraled into the clouds, but I look at my children and the person I love and realize this is reality."

Members of the tribe also attempt to incorporate these new and exciting emotions into their work.

"I'm sure I'll find it a lot easier to cry on-screen," Winslet says.

Divorce

When a marriage lasts so long that it ceases to draw attention, one member of the couple (often the over-50 male) is obliged to cast the other member of the couple (usually the under-50 female) adrift on an ice floe with a very large sum of money.

This year, the divorce of former spouses Bruce Willis and Demi Moore became official, and Harrison Ford announced he was separating from Melissa Mathison, his wife of 17 years.

This rite of passage is often followed by denials of a relationship between the man and a much younger, much skinnier woman.

Ford denies that he is romantically linked to actress Lara Flynn Boyle, as does Willis. Flynn Boyle was formerly linked to petty chieftain Jack Nicholson, who is now romantically linked to himself.

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