Exotic mating rituals of a tribe called Hollywood

2) The proclamation of love

Once the new couple has been embraced (read: hounded mercilessly) by the press and the paparazzi, and once the tribal chiefs have become convinced of the couple's mutual bankability, the couple then proceeds to rechristen the "friendship" as "love."

Catherine Zeta-Jones says she went through a "nine-month sacred love dance" with Michael Douglas before they began publicly yodeling about their affection for each other. (He even started a Web site to issue his own press releases about their relationship.)

This ritual -- which includes extolling each other's virtues ad tedium and gushing about how "lucky" they feel -- is intended to both elicit envy (a tradable commodity) and signal that the love is unlike any other that ever came before. Emphasis on the mate's "talent," "genius," status and/or physical beauty plays an important part in the degree of love expressed.

After going public, Zeta-Jones began saying gooey things about Douglas. Douglas returned the favor by singing his wife's praises thus: "She's got a great voice, and she's a great jazz tap-dancer. One of my big thrills is to beg her to put on those shoes and do it. She's great."

Hinting at the startling intensity of intercourse is also looked upon favorably, as is tattooing one's lover's name on one's shadowy recesses.

Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, each of whom has been inscribed with the other's name, describe the love feeling even more vividly.

"You know when you love someone so much you can almost kill them?" Jolie asked the world at large back in June. "We nearly kill each other ... I nearly was killed last night, and it was the nicest thing anyone ever said to me."

"I was looking at her sleep and I had to restrain myself from literally squeezing her to death," Thornton explained, adding that sex is "almost too much" for them. "It's so intense that sometimes we can look at each other and think, 'You know what, we can't get into this right now or something's going to happen.'"

Statements such as these are considered not only acceptable but utterly charming and very salable.

Which brings us to the next phase ...

3) The impulsive engagement

In between projects, the couple hurl themselves headlong into engagement, reinforcing the idea that the love in question -- even if just weeks old -- is unlike any other.

Stricken with testicular cancer, Canadian comic Tom Green listed his girlfriend of only three months, Drew Barrymore, as the likely recipient of his donation at a sperm bank. Not long after, the two confirmed their engagement.

The impulsive engagement nearly resulted in an impulsive on-air marriage on "Saturday Night Live," but Barrymore impulsively backed out, intuitively sensing that exchanging vows on the show would be somehow -- she wasn't sure how -- "inappropriate."

4) The denial of engagement

News of the engagement is leaked to the press so that the couple can begin emphatic and acrimonious denials of the engagement, which call attention to the engagement, which does in fact exist. Fervent denials also serve as a reminder that the love is a fiercely guarded love like no other.

Madonna was seen wearing a ring resembling a small glacier around the time of the birth of her son, Rocco. As the ring had been given to her by the child's father, Guy Ritchie, she immediately took umbrage at the press' suggestion that a wedding was imminent. Ritchie had taken to referring to Madonna as "the missus," so naturally Madonna issued a strong denial that the two intended to marry. Her denial was apparently so strong that her publicist continued to deny reports of an upcoming wedding even after Madonna herself began confirming them.

5) The clandestine wedding preparations

Once the engagement has been resoundingly denied, the couple can begin exhaustive wedding preparations while criticizing public interest in the preparations.

Exclusive pictures of the wedding may then be pre-sold to the highest-bidding glossy publication. Zeta-Jones and Douglas funded their lavish wedding extravaganza by selling exclusive images (reported to have commanded $1.4 million) from the happy day (reported to have cost $1.5 million).

(At this stage in the courtship, the engagement may still be denied.)

If the wedding itself is clandestine, the engagement may be denied even after the marriage has taken place. Representatives for Jolie insisted that not only had she not married Thornton in Las Vegas, but they weren't even dating.

The search for the wedding site

The wedding site is of utmost importance, as it sets the tone for the way the new couple would like to be perceived. Are they "rock 'n' roll"? Vegas will do nicely. Are they "traditional"? A lavish hotel might be gutted, raised and rebuilt for the occasion by the set decorators of a hit show. Are they "down-to-earth"? A natural setting is preferable -- Steven Spielberg's backyard or Aaron Spelling's bucolic private planet. If the couple want to be remembered simply as "richer and better than anyone else," they might try the Vatican.

Although Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston refused to confirm their nuptials until the week they occurred, they somehow managed to put together a whopping million-dollar wedding with hundreds of guests and $20,000 worth of fireworks on the Malibu, Calif., estate of TV exec Marcy Carsey. The romantic sunset ceremony featured the Pacific Ocean as a backdrop.

Not long thereafter, speculation about the locale of Zeta-Jones' and Michael Douglas' nuptials occupied the British tabs for months, until they finally decided to embrace convention at New York's Plaza Hotel. And, oddly enough, after expressing interest in Westminster Abbey, St. Paul's Cathedral and a site near Princess Diana's grave, Madonna and Ritchie settled on Scotland's Skibo Castle, where Zeta-Jones and Douglas had been expected to wed.

The marriage ceremony

Preparations for the marriage ceremony begin months in advance of the event as the bride and groom and sundry servants start bringing to fruition what may be the happiest, most well-publicized time of the couple's year.

Next Page: The many-splendored prenup

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