Exotic mating rituals of a tribe called Hollywood

A penetrating field study reveals the mysteries of courtship, marriage and procreation as practiced by the indigenous peoples of La-La Land.

By Carina Chocano and Amy Reiter

Dec 27, 2000 | The august anthropologist Claude Lévi-Strauss believes that the customs, traditions and myths of all cultures, no matter how bafflingly diverse, mimic the characteristics of the human mind. However disparate the details of our lives, deep down we're all a lot more alike than we think.

Lévi-Strauss, we're reasonably sure, has never spent much time with the members of Hollywood's A-list. We, on the other hand, have spent the year in slavish observation of their every move, mood and utterance. And certain patterns have emerged (linking them most intimately, strangely enough, to the cruelly elitist but drop-dead gorgeous Mbaya-Guaicuru of Brazil).

Deprived of contact with other, lesser tribes and cut off from civilization by armies of publicists, agents, bodyguards and sinister husband-Svengalis, these well-insulated hill and coast dwellers have survived undisturbed in the manicured desert of Southern California for decades. The royals of the tribe enjoy disporting themselves at tournaments (also known as "awards ceremonies") while leaving menial tasks to others. Like the Mbaya-Guaicuru, described here by Lévi-Strauss, "these kings and queens like nothing better than to play with severed heads brought back by their warriors."

A lively scientific interest in the customs and traditions of the Hollywood A-list has also made it the most closely studied tribe on earth. And, as if in grotesque demonstration of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, these gentle, insular peoples have become a vain peoples, a self-obsessed peoples, a peoples who need peoples -- kept, naturellement, at a safe but adoring distance.

And while, as aspiring A-lister Geoffrey Rush said earlier this year, "There's no secret establishment in the deserts of Australia where they're turning out hunky men and beautiful women ready to invade the village of Hollywood," the traditions of the Hollywood tribe still reflect both their tragic isolation and their fulminating conspicuousness. From their glimmering manses, they look out on the wider world with childlike wonder. They display their rank by strutting about in revealing costumes. They smile for the birdie. They can say money in 22 languages. They are often very cute.

We have spent the past year compiling an inventory of the customs of a native community and its lifestyle. Beyond this, we are powerless to interfere.

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Courting

No one is leerier of a mésalliance déclassé or, for that matter, an alliance flambé than this fierce entertainer tribe. Consequently, their social interactions have become highly structured. They can be broken down into five distinct phases:

1) The display of affection

The courting process starts when two tribal members of equal rank begin to engage in furtive displays of affection, usually described as a "friendship." (In January, Jim Carrey presented Renée Zellweger with a $200,000 Harry Winston diamond "friendship ring," for example.) The couple generally carries out these early rituals away from the rest of the tribe (frequently while on location in Europe). This stage is sometimes known as "canoodling" and may include eye gazing, hand-holding and synchronized absences from tribal meetings (also called "premieres"). This behavior serves to announce the couple's attachment to the community as well as to their protector, the director of their current film, and to their on-again, off-again ally/enemy, the press.

If the union is deemed favorable by the community and the press, the couple will be feted in boldface type and anointed by the tribal foot servants, the paparazzi. But as with all A-list courting rituals, the couple must carefully adhere to prescribed behavior or risk being shunned by the community. The latter was the case in this otherwise auspicious romance:

Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe "secretly" kicked off their courtship while filming "Proof of Life" in London and later took it on the road to Australia for the Olympics. While denying their romantic involvement, the pair was spotted "canoodling" on both continents, sometimes pausing in mid-display of affection to sign autographs. The union (which had big box-office potential and required Ryan to shed her longtime marriage to Dennis Quaid, who may not be long for the A-list tribe) was approved by the press and the paparazzi and seemed set to proceed to the next level.

When, however, the couple refused to appease their matchmaker, director Taylor Hackford, by using their relationship to promote the film in print interviews, he declared war. "I am deeply hurt that they couldn't [do interviews]," Hackford said, setting in motion a wave of criticism against the transgressive couple, "and [ensuring] that 'Proof of Life' will probably best be known as the film that sparked a love affair between Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan."

That the film had less heat at the box office than its leads had for each other somewhat erodes Crowe's and Ryan's status within the tribe.

Next Page: Catherine Zeta-Jones' "nine-month sacred love dance"

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