Sunday, Sep 7, 2008
At "6-foot-1 and worth the climb," the star of Playboy TV's "Sex Court" is Hollywood's queen of the B's.
May 11, 2000 | "I order you into my Judgment Box to have sex with your French maid while your wife is forced to watch!"
Judge Julie has spoken. So let it be written, so let it be done.
No, not Judge Judy, the battle-ax from the popular daytime TV show of the same name. Praise be, it's Judge Julie, the 6-foot-1 dominatrix who rules Playboy TV's "Sex Court" with an iron hand and a stiletto heel.
Played by B-movie siren Julie Strain, the woman you're most likely to see on cable after 11 p.m. kicking ass in a bustier, Judge Julie listens to plaintiffs and defendants atop an ornate golden throne while being ministered to by a buxom, foot-worshipping bailiff in skivvies (porn star Alexandra Silk) and a tall, thin, Russian-blond court reporter who often wears nothing at all (adult film actress Nikita).
They say justice is blind. If so, it's going to miss out on all the action on the first and third Fridays of the month when new episodes premiere. The campy half-hour romp parodies those lame-o "People's Court"-type programs by forcing warring plaintiffs to get naked and get busy after their cases are heard. This way, unlike in the real justice system, everyone's a winner.
The stories are real, but with actors usually portraying the litigants. In the case cited above, a studly lookin' husband had brought his wife before the bar of justice, claiming she was sabotaging household appliances in order to get repairmen in the sack.
Finding for the husband, Judge Julie declared turnabout to be fair play, and ordered the hubby to do the nasty with Fifi the French maid. Ooh-la-la. Wifey was forced to watch, but not for long. Soon the clothes were flying and everyone ended up in a pile of sweaty, Hollywood flesh.
The title of the episode? "You Can't Shag Good Help These Days," natch. Other episodes include: "The Internet In and Out," "Dr. Spreadem," "Do the Math, Teacher" and "Unidentified Flying Orgasm."
Consider it an X-rated "Jerry Springer" or "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" meets "Ally McBeal." In either case, consider it a hit. The show's got a buzz going for it -- due in no small part to Scream Queen Julie Strain's outlandish, Goth-grrl magistrate.
"I'm a real-life warrior," Strain explains between takes at the "Sex Court" studios in Culver City, Calif., as she and Playboy TV bang out an entire season (so to speak) in just four days of shooting. "I'm strong. Women wanna be me. Men wanna fuck me. I've created this dark, looming vixenous character. Who else is there? Other than Lucy Lawless, maybe."
"I'm 6-foot-1 and worth the climb," she adds, cocking an eyebrow. "If you get tired, you can rest halfway."
Before I get a chance to take Strain up on the offer (or faint), she's off to oversee the next episode, "Roses Are Red, My Balls Are Blue," in which a boyfriend takes his girlfriend to court for holding out on him after six months of going steady.
Both parties claim to be horny, and before the end of opening statements, the redheaded girlfriend flashes the appreciative studio audience a gander at her burning bush. Hmmm, guess how this show turns out?
The next time yours truly caught up with the Queen of the Bs, she'd sneaked into a closet stocked with "a blow-up doll and a bunch of whips" at the home she shares with husband Kevin Eastman, creator of the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." (Please forgive him.) Seems Strain's hiding from the cast of her next movie for the schlockmeisters at Troma Studios, so she can get some quality time in with her cellphone.
"It's called 'Soul Stripper,'" she says in a half-whisper. "And I'm the producer. We're in the middle of it right now -- blastin', grindin' and killin'."
So what's it about?
"Oh, it's about this stripper who turns into a monster that's eating people's souls. Usually a victim is having too much fun at the strip club, and the monster comes in, takes the odor thing from a urinal, stuffs it in the guy's mouth and decapitates him. Pretty brutal stuff. I'm an undercover cop, and my husband's been killed by the monster. So she and I go toe-to-toe."
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