Have yourself a merry Jimmy Buffettmas

Pour yourself a drink and forget the presents. December 25 offers plenty of other reasons to celebrate.

By Gentry Lane

Dec 15, 1999 | If you're like me, you've done the "holiday season" thing every winter for some 30-odd years now. And every year, you heave a big sigh of relief when it's all over.

Sure the parties are great, the decorations are nice, the Christmas trees are pretty and smell really good. But the sentiment is lost under all the glossy red and green advertising hype, the prefab gift sets and the insipid songs. Admit it: You only buy presents for the people you know will be buying you something.

Isn't it time to try something new? Loretta Lynn wants us to "put the Christ back in Christmas." I say let's give Jesus a break.

December 25 offers plenty of other reasons to celebrate. Book a flight, get out of town and forget about the presents. This year, have a happy alternative Christmas by celebrating some of the other famous people who share the same birthday as Christ.

Humphrey Bogartmas
Brood and chain-smoke all day in your matching trench coat and fedora. Grimace as you mutter machine-gun-fire bons mots. And don't say, "Play it again, Sam," because he never did.

Sir Isaac Newtonmas
Prove and reprove the theory that gravity does exist by dropping things on people all day. This is especially fun to do while wearing a big powdered wig and pantaloons.

A Patriotic Christmas
It was on December 25, 1896, that John Philip Sousa finally committed to paper a melody that had been haunting him for several days. That catchy little ditty was none other than the patriodelic "The Stars and Stripes Forever." In order to celebrate Sousa's Stars and Stripesmas properly, search bargain bins and garage sales for months or even years in advance to make one single tape of every version of "The Stars and Stripes Forever" that's ever been recorded. We're talking Zamfir's Pan Flute version, the Moog Synthesizer version, the U.S. Navy Marching Band, Nirvana, the Hollywood Strings. Every version. Ideally, Sousa's Stars and Stripesmas should be celebrated in a patriotic setting: Philadelphia, Arlington Cemetery or in front of the Alamo. One should wear turn-of-the-century garments and ride around on one of those bicycles with the really big front wheel. (Cycling was America's predominant pastime in 1896.) But if you can't pull that off, just wear red, white and blue, drink lots of hearty ale and make up your own words to the song you would love to forget.

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