The evil that dogs doo

Out in the blue-collar suburb of Surrey, after yet another vicious dog attack last winter, a Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer was quoted as saying, "If the city of Surrey ever decides to change its logo, maybe the pit bull should be put on the crest."

Said the attacking dog's owner: "They're good with kids."

In his 1994 book "The Intelligence of Dogs," Stanley Coren wrote, "Some people want an intelligent dog for the same reasons they want the biggest, most powerful computer in their office, or the fastest and flashiest sports car, or the stereo, VCR or camera with the largest number of dials and controls." And yes, some kind folks rescue a lovable mongrel from the pound and give it a good home. But that pound is full of other dogs whose presence testifies to the misplaced priorities of those charged with looking out for their welfare.

None of this is the dogs' fault, of course. With some exceptions, it's pretty hard to hate the dogs themselves. We had miniature dachshunds when I was young. Fritz used to guard your foot, and he wasn't kidding -- just wiggle it and see. His successor, Noah, was stone sly. On a summer evening as we sat on the step, he would amble lazily across the lawn, sniffing a dandelion here, snuffling at a beetle there, oh-so-casually glancing our way as he moved almost imperceptibly closer to the edge of the grass. We never let on that we knew his little game. Sure enough, when the sidewalk was gained, Noah would suddenly turn and bolt across the street -- to the yard of his forbidden love, the neighbor dachshund, Tammy.

Breeze the Refugee Dog sounds like a swell animal, too. Customs officials said she was friendly as hell. In her place, what dog wouldn't be? It was clear from the half-starved condition of the passengers that Breeze ate better than anybody stuck below decks. On a boat that arrived like a desperate telegram from the third world, fat old Breeze lived a first world life.

Newsweek magazine recently reported that in 1998, Americans spent close to $3 billion just on pet pharmaceuticals -- including drugs like Prozac.

Dogs foul the streets. They breed journalistic clichis like "It's a dog's life," and "Doggone funny." They ruin movies with their obnoxiously cute stunts. But no, I don't really think we should focus our efforts on restraining dogs. That would be inverting the leash.

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