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Ten things I learned on my Vegas vacation

Some of you may have noticed that I took a break from the column for a couple of days this week. Where did I go? Las Vegas, land of neon, cocktails and rollin' roulette wheels.

I won $50 at the nickel slots. (I hit a hot streak on a "Family Feud"-themed machine and another on a "Munsters" one and scored my biggest jackpot on an "Austin Powers"-inspired slotter -- yeah, baby!)

I carried around a plastic cup and made conversation with a blue-haired lady in a wheelchair who looked like she hadn't moved from her slot machine for days. I saw a bunch of Disney-fied free shows, visited the Liberace museum, walked up and down "The Strip" gaping at every themed casino/hotel I could find, took a trip out to the Hoover Dam, and, heck, I even discovered a few things.

So I thought, for today's Cracker Jack prize, I'd share a little bit of what I learned.

1) Wayne Newton's Vegas home is an exact replica of Tara, from "Gone With the Wind." Presumably before the fire.

2) Some of Liberace's elaborate beaded costumes weighed more than 200 pounds. More than the flamboyant pianist himself, though possibly a little less than his rings.

3) If you want to look at the dee-luxe Pete Menefee- and Bob Mackie-designed costumes at a showgirl extravaganza like the classic "Jubilee" at the Bally's Hotel, don't go to the topless show. When they sing that show-opener about "hundreds and hundreds of girls," what they really mean is hundreds and hundreds of nipples. And I defy anyone not to be distracted by the sheer, unairbrushed variety.

4) The distance from one end of "The Strip" to the other end is greater than it seems. And it's even farther if you lose money at every casino along the way.

5) No one seems to notice that the pyramid-like Luxor Hotel may evoke thoughts of eternal entombment.

6) If you go on the government tour of the Hoover Dam, you should be prepared to endure endless dam jokes. ("Heard a lot of men died constructing the Hoover Dam? That's a dam rumor!" and on and on and on ...) You will be expected to laugh every time. If you do not laugh, your guide will tap his microphone and quip, "Is this on?" You are far underground. There's no dam escape.

7) Even if Vegas' famous cheap buffets were free, they'd still be overpriced.

8) If you thought maybe the mean New York Times review of the Steve Martin art show at the Bellagio was unfairly dismissive, it turns out it wasn't. I love the guy, but his collection is uneven at best. At worst, it reveals aspects of the comedian/writer you may not want to see. Like the Martin Mull painting of an adolescent boy who, far as I can tell, disrobes his mother and sister in his mind and kills off his father. The eerily smiling boy himself stands in a passive pose, his forearm muscles nevertheless bulging aggressively. Of this painting, "Birthday Boy XI," Martin says, "The mood [Mull] captures is so specific to my own life that I wonder sometimes if I am actually not me, but him." Whoa there, Steve-o.

9) Don't get your hopes up about seeing the old Las Vegas you know from the movies. The trademark neon signs are still blinking away on the casinos in the old downtown section, but Fremont Street has been paved and covered over to make way for a family-friendly laser light show, "The Fremont Street Experience." It's South Street Seaport West.

10) Save enough nickels for the trip home.

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Miss something? Read yesterday's Nothing Personal.

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