Reason's fleeting!

Troll the ancient yuletide carols. New generations may need some help understanding arcane references in traditional Christmas carols. For example, explain that the line "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" refers to an era when ordinary people often saw real dentists in person. As for "Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go," this was set in the olden days when people could a) afford to put gas in their cars, b) pass through airport security without getting sexually assaulted and (c) Grandmother wasn't off on a drug run in Saskatchewan. According to the Center for Policy Alternatives, last year the prices of 30 prescription drugs used most by seniors rose more than four times faster than the rate of inflation.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it -- hey, that's not snow. Some of God's children get snow in profusion, and, as Susie Madrak points out in Suburban Guerrilla, some of God's children get white phosphorus rounds from explosions. The important thing is that freedom can march over just about anything or anyone.

Besides, as more U.S. military personnel have their tours of duty extended every time they're about to come home, we don't have to worry about hearing a lot of details that would only bum us out. Confine your attention to the man in front of the screen, preferably during the "Happy Hour Evening News."

Remember, it's the thought that counts. Are you on the side of "moral values"? Then thank the Southern white Jesus, you don't have to do another damn thing as long as you live. See, the way it works, as long as you frame the message, it really doesn't matter that more than 40 million Americans, most of whom come from working families, live below the poverty line. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be if you had to take all these people into consideration in your daily lives or when passing legislation? So the trick is to demonstrate, through your actions, that life ends at birth. You got that? Fight like hell to drag them into this world, and then -- well, that's pretty much it.

On the other hand, do act when action is warranted. Thank heaven some defenders of decency sounded the alarm on the film set of "The Merchant of Venice." Seems they have a thing for noticing the little things -- one of which is attached to a naked cherub, a detail in a painting used as background. Foot soldiers for the pure of thought (any thought, apparently) want the "wallpaper" painted out so American families can safely channel-surf a TV the size of a toaster. Peddle your 16th century fresco by Veronese elsewhere, fella. Oh, hey, look at those losers eating a horse rectum!

Finally, have fun! After all, it's not like we were actually honoring the birth of some radical who lived a life of poverty, wisdom and service to others and then got nailed for it. We're just flapping the old credit cards in unison to see if digging ourselves into one fiscal spider hole can get us out of another one. Yeah, that oughta work. Happy holidays, everybody!

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