Getting all pissy

Man asks Bush, If you're such a Republican, why haven't you vetoed a single spending bill? After the first sucker punch, Bush explains that when you turn a $5.6 trillion surplus into a $2.6 trillion deficit, the fiscally responsible thing to do is to blame everybody else and keep running up the tab. Furious that no one appreciates the shallowness of his recession.

10 p.m. Guy dares Kerry to look into the camera and tell Americans that in his first term he won't raise tax burdens on families making less than $200,000. Kerry looks into the camera and tells Americans that in his first term he won't raise tax burdens on families making less than $200,000. Highlights the $1,000 child-care credit and $4,000 college credit. Bush asks Gibson: Is my time up yet? Look on some Missourian faces says: "24 days."

Man asks Bush to rate himself as an environmentalist. Over howls of laughter, Bush bellows, "Off-road diesel! Hydrogen autos!" Kerry calls Bush's environmental policy "Orwellian." Bush fumes -- so what if he is oil wellian? Bush retorts: "I guess you'd say I'm a good steward of the land." Nobody says it. Guess not.

Woman asks Kerry how Americans can stay competitive in manufacturing and earn a living? Kerry suggests that not making it lucrative for companies to give all our jobs away might help. Bush is suddenly eager to talk about health insurance. Promises voters a "catastrophic plan" and says that, whatever it is, it's sure different from saying, "OK, let me incent you." Says he met a feller named Grant who's created actual jobs. No, really. He's not making it up.

10:15 p.m. Man comments on expansion of the PATRIOT Act, asks Bush why his rights are being watered down. Bush says they aren't. Not at all. Don't be such a baby. Shut up. We can have you arrested for wearing the wrong T-shirt and you want to get all up in my ass about the PATRIOT Act?

Woman asks Kerry, Why use embryonic stem cells? Kerry says not letting people die could be a viable way to show respect for life. Bush says, I can say the word "ethical" more times than he can say it. And I'm louder.

Speaking of vacancy, a man wants to know how Bush would fill one on the Supreme Court. Bush says he's not tellin', then recounts mangled version of the Dred Scott decision. Kerry fast-forwards from 1850s to 2000, when Bush declared, "What we need are some good conservative judges on the courts." Oh, yeah, that, says Bush.

10:30 p.m. Woman asks Kerry what he would say to a voter who believes abortion is murder. Seems to be, um, asking for a friend. Georg -- Georgia, uh, Bosh. Yeah, that's it. Kerry affirms his faith, then mentions a once popular concept -- the separation of church and state. Bush says he doesn't get it. Chews on Charlie Gibson's leg.

Bush accuses Gibson of putting "a head fake on us." Woman asks Bush for three examples of mistakes he made and how he fixed them. Bush grinds her bones to make his bread, then says, 1) History will look back at me; 2) I am responsible; and 3) I didn't make any mistakes except for some appointments of people who quit and then went on "The Daily Show" with their damn books. Kerry helps Bush recall other mistakes. Bush does not seem grateful.

Kerry, in closing, says that America's best days are ahead of us. Bush yells: "Are not." Hollers that we're safer but not safe. Screams a reminder at everybody watching in Afghanistan: Don't forget to vote tomorrow. For all you Afghan gals, remember to ask your husband for permission. (If you get beaten, find other ways to enjoy being free.) God bless America. And dammit, the next time, someone's in for a world of hurt.

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