Thursday, May 15, 2008
In a painstaking recap of the second presidential debate, the audience comes out ahead.
Oct 9, 2004 | 9 p.m. Incumbent George W. Bush, Sen. John Kerry enter, exchange greetings. Lip-reading shows Kerry is saying: "Quest-que c'est le bushisme du jour?" Bush fires back: "I'll look taller after PhotoShop, Kerr-bear." Rumors of a bulge exaggerated. Debate reveals there is nothing to presidential package.
Woman asks Kerry if people are right to call him "wishy-washy." No, says Kerry. It's just that Bush's wishful thinking on WMD led to character attacks that don't wash. Addresses poor domestic record, declares Bush first president in 72 years to lose jobs. Bush pounces: Fuzzy math! Everybody knows I am only 58 and a half years old! Makes quippings of mastication. Insists tax cuts were aimed right up the middle class. Pained looks on Missourians, general shifting in seats confirm they took it up the class, all right.
9:15 p.m. Woman asks Bush if unjustified invasion of Iraq could possibly be justified, since justification proved not to be justified. Bush expresses bitter unhappiness that weapons capable of destroying large numbers of people did not exist. He then proves that not all U.S. manufacturing has declined when he gives a Carol Merrill wave at the latest excuse to roll off the White House assembly line -- Saddam Hussein was a rambler and a gambler. Bush struts. Damn system gamer! Oddly, he does not mention others involved in this corruption. So no word yet if, when airstrike will be launched against U.S. oil companies.
Man asks if Kerry would use Bush plan in Iraq. Kerry quotes senior Republicans calling the plan "incompetent," "beyond pitiful," "beyond embarrassing," "in the zone of dangerous." (So is that a yes or a no?) Bush spits out front teeth. Says the crappy plan is working so well he's going to toss an additional $7 billion on it. Kerry suggests going after Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan might have been a good idea. Bush says we're working on it, hard work, working hard, firm resolve, on the hunt, you do the hokeypokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about.
Woman tells Bush, speaking of getting all pissy, my mother and sister caught holy crap during their overseas summer vacation because YOU just had to invade Iraq. Bush jeers, Well, I hate that poncho, so now we're even. Adds: Don't worry, they're just a bunch of dumb foreigners who don't understand my plan. Kerry says there is no plan. Bush says, 'member I was sittin' in the office, the oval one, lookin' at generals? Well, then I went down to the basement, where there was more generals, and I looked at every darn one of 'em. That's what a president does.
9:30 p.m. Woman mentions casually that Iran sponsors terrorism, has long-range missiles, will soon have nuclear weapons -- could this be a problem? Bush looks surprised. Iran? Is that a swing state? Kerry sees Iran, raises one North Korea, and ups the ante with Russia. Makes the case that nuclear weapons buildup plus Bush's inattention does not add up to safer world. Bush yells at audience to simmer down now.
Man asks Bush about the draft. Between convulsions, Bush distracts draft-age demographic by revealing the existence of a second Internet. Kerry says that using stop-loss policies to keep people from getting out of military service amounts to a back-door draft. Bush jumps off stool, barking and grinding his teeth. Moderator tries to pet him, sustains lacerations. Bush snarls: Tell that to the Italian guy and the Brits. Hey, we've got 30 countries helpin' us out. Kerry says: You forgot Poland. Smoke coming out of Bush's ears spells out these words: "Poland can kiss my grand coalition."
Woman says to Kerry, So far so good, we haven't been horrendously attacked again lately. Any thoughts? Kerry claims adequate homeland security could come in handy. Bush says he doubled, tripled the funding. Except that he did neither. It's what you call PATRIOTIC license. Snaps: "I'm worried. I'm worried. I'm worried about our country." Figures that oughta do it. Sheesh, nosy broad.
9:45 p.m. Man asks Bush why he blocked importation of cheaper drugs from Canada. Bush explodes: You can't handle the drugs! Anyway, I didn't, not yet, and when I do it'll be to keep you safe. Drugs'll kill you, man. Sorry about the Parkinson's. (Wuss.) Kerry says that Bush took $139 billion from Americans and gave it to drug companies. Bush says, Well, you could've done something for Medicare in the Senate if you love sick people so much. Kerry says: We did. Cites 1997 legislation and says, Oh, by the way, we balanced the budget, too.
Woman asks Kerry, So what's with the trial lawyer V.P.? Kerry invites her to download and review voluminous PDF detailing in-depth plan for tort reform. Kerry then gets real. Points out that litigation accounts for less than 1 percent of the total healthcare cost. Notes that premiums in Missouri have gone up 64 percent. Offers affordable premiums instead, and tax cut for 98 percent of Americans. Bush falls off stool, calls Kerry the K-word: Kennedy. Then the L-word. Then the -- demands that Charlie Gibson tell him what letter comes next. Kerry says, M, as in, What do you mean kicking 500,000 kids out of after-school programs, cutting 365,000 kids from healthcare and running up the biggest deficits in American history? Bush stomps feet, says: You're not the boss of me.
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