Shelter from the storm

Due to Haven's outreach to out-of-state clinics, some women arrive in New York having heard that someone, somehow will put them up; others show up with a sleeping bag and crossed fingers. Several Haven hosts have put up couples who'd expected to sleep in their cars, one in February. "We heard of one patient who'd spent the night in a McDonald's," says Laura, 42, a writer and one of Haven's coordinators. (It's Haven's general policy to identify hosts only by first names.) "We never want that to happen again."

As far as she knows, it hasn't. Haven members have hosted a total of 236 women to date, ranging in age from 11 (not a typo) to 41, many for more than one night. The number of patients they housed doubled from 2002 to 2003. Collectively, Haven usually houses about four patients a week, but they've been known to place six in one day. Only once in Haven's history -- a snowy Friday in 2003 -- were they unable to find a spare bed; the clinic was ultimately able to subsidize the cost of a hotel for the patient (a 12-year-old) and her mother.

Who are these people so willing to move their schedules and furniture to house total strangers? New Yorkers, with our teeny apartments and packed Palm Pilots, generally hate having overnight guests -- but hosts say that Haven visitors are anything but in the way. "I love it. I thrive on it. I would do it every night if I could," says Kathryn, 25, a research assistant at Alan Guttmacher. "I love the connection with people, the momentary bonds that you form. I love seeing people's lives change for the better right in front of you. It's different when you're helping a complete stranger as opposed to your sister. You are required to withhold judgment and live her life for a day."

Or even just a few hours in a coffee shop. "I had a wonderful experience connecting with a woman I never would have met otherwise," says Haven coordinator Laura of the time she waited at Starbucks with a Kenyan patient from Massachusetts until her overnight host arrived. "She was so smart and political -- the invasion of Iraq was about to happen and we talked a lot about the war and our views. She also gave me really interesting perspectives about Africa," says Laura. "When her host came we hugged goodbye and as she left I looked back over my shoulder and felt so good. What do I have in common with this woman? We're just both women, and our lives touch at that moment." Says Catherine Megill, "Haven's emphasis from early on was about how you are not this person's savior, you are not better than her; you're helping her, but you are helping her because you are sisters."

The direct, personal nature of hosting is both its payoff and its challenge. In my own experience, being a Haven host requires being really comfortable with abortion -- not as an abstraction, but as reality. Nicole had a wee pot belly; the next day, she wouldn't. Now that I'm married and see birth as something to give, not control, that fourth-sandwich moment did give me pause. But, ultimately, just for that moment.

Many hosts -- myself included -- are former activists who'd been looking for ways to get politically involved again when they found the group. "I was a member of lots of organizations, but I was frustrated because it felt like my donations were going toward mailings," says Renee, 34, a designer. "With Haven, 100 percent of the 'donation' obviously goes directly to the patient. Haven gets to the heart of things. It puts everything in perspective," she says, recalling the time she hosted an 11-year-old girl and her mother (a recovering addict supporting a large family, including a son in prison, on a $7.50-an-hour job). The girl looked 17 or 18 (according to her, the sex had been consensual), but she wouldn't let go of her teddy bear.

"The 11-year-old, and even more so, her mother, had a tremendous impact on me," says Renee's husband, Robert, describing the woman's efforts to reconcile her actions with her born-again Christian beliefs. "She said, 'I'll find a way of explaining this to myself. We'll deal with the sin of this in our own way,' but what was getting her through this was that she knew from her own life what it would mean for her daughter to have this baby," he says. "That's the sort of experience that's missing from the public debate about abortion."

The public debate will rage on, for better or for worse. Meanwhile, with Haven's help, many of the women excluded from it will find a quiet place to get some rest -- and then on with their lives.

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