It's the Giants, stupid

Would someone please tap the Eastern press on the shoulder and tell it that the National League pennant is not going to be decided by who wins the tedious up-and-down race between the Atlanta Braves and the New York Mets? That the team with the best shot at winning the home field advantage throughout the playoffs -- in fact, finishing with the best record in either league -- is the San Francisco Giants?

As I write this, the Giants are leading the National League in batting average -- well, OK, Colorado is leading, but that's only because of Coors Field -- on-base average and slugging average (24 points higher than the Rockies!). There are some who are going to tell you that's because their new ballpark, Pacific Bell Park, is a hitter's park. Well then explain why the Giants are second to the Braves in National League ERA. The Braves are also slightly behind the New York Yankees in team ERA. Some will tell you that that's because the National League doesn't have the designated hitter, which swells ERA by at least half a run per game. OK, then explain why the Giants have outscored the Yankees by about 30 runs this season.

The Giants have the best player, Barry Bonds, the best manager, Dusty Baker, and perhaps the best starting rotation (ERA of 4.20, same as Atlanta) in baseball. If you just landed on this planet from Mars, you'd look at the numbers and make them favorites to win both the National League and the World Series. That is, if when you come from Mars, you didn't head straight for New York.

Dennis Miller: Turn out the lights, the party's over ...

OK, let's get the Dennis Miller thing over with now before the ratings drop another 20 points and they fire him in the middle of a really busy week. Now, some people think Miller is funny. That's OK. Some people laugh at Three Stooges movies, while others, like myself, get more laughs from the films of Peter Greenaway. Men froze at Valley Forge for the right to laugh at whatever we choose. But that's not the point here.

Before the Jets-Patriots broadcast, Miller told his audience (referring to the tangle of front office and coaching politics between the two teams) that "I haven't seen murkier bloodlines since the House of Plantagenet." And, referring to a report on Vinny Testaverde's ability to throw a "touch" pass, "I was querulous." And, referring to the back-and-forth rhythm of the game, "It's the ebb and flow of humanity." Now, I hate to be querulous, but I'm pretty sure that what Miller meant is that he was dubious about Testaverde's ability to throw a soft pass. Or at least that's what he should have meant. But what this Plantagenet and ebb-and-flow-of-humanity stuff is doing on a football telecast is beyond my ken, and, I suspect, beyond that of the "Monday Night Football" audience. Miller's obscure references are neither profound nor funny, and they sure don't add anything to the understanding of the football game. (His actual game comments are usually limited to "Was that a hit or what?")

What I'm left wondering is, if ABC didn't hire Dennis Miller to be funny, what exactly did it hire him for? After two weeks of the season all he's put me in mind of is a junior-grade Howard Cosell who doesn't know anything about football.

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