The Rev. John, a 44-year-old parish priest who asked that his last name not be used, found himself less willing to accept the church's teachings on homosexuality when he finally recognized his own sexual feelings for other men. John was ordained in 1983. "My own celibate training presumed that I was a straight person," said John. "In a church where homosexuality is considered a disorder, it's not easily brought up in a formal setting. Part of the problem is that gay men don't get thorough help in developing their sexual, celibate lifestyle. It is left undealt with."

It wasn't until his 14th year as a priest that John wound up in the hospital, suffering from severe depression. He realized then that he had to deal with his sexual orientation. He told his bishop that he was gay and didn't know whether he could remain celibate for the rest of his life. "The bishop understood why I needed to step away. He encouraged me to stay close," said John, who has been on a leave of absence for the past four years. Since then, John has dated and had sexual relationships with two men. He's come out to several of his former parishioners, and written articles that criticized the Catholic Church's teaching toward gays and lesbians.

But now, having accepted his homosexuality, John says he's ready to reenter the active priesthood and remain celibate. But just as he is about to put on his clerical collar, the official church is trying to connect gay priests with the string of molestation cases that have come to light. "Homosexuality has nothing to do with being a pedophile," said John. "That is completely misguided and misleading. It once again shows this kind of easy scapegoating of sexual problems onto gay priests to deflect attention on the real issue."

Like other priests, John fears there will be a crackdown on gay priests and seminarians, depleting the shrinking pool of priests. "What would happen is that there would be even more secrecy and more coverups. It would increase the deception in the church. One of the problems with the church is that there are so many coverups regarding sexuality. There is far too much secrecy."

Because the Catholic Church has grown more conservative since he became a priest, John feels a responsibility to be a more moderate voice on sexuality -- though a cautious one, who demands anonymity. And he admits that his impulse after the latest scandal is to flee the entire organization. "I won't hide my sexual orientation. I won't lie and I won't deceive people. But it's also not something I would bring up," he says. "The fact that I can't use my last name says that I am afraid of a gay purge. It's one more example that I'm afraid to say that I'm a gay priest. I can be as confident as I can be and it's still a liability."

It may be years before researchers have a more complete understanding of the role homosexuality and the vow of celibacy have, or don't have, in the current scandal. And it will require more full disclosure from the church itself -- something that attorney Jeff Anderson, who has represented numerous plaintiffs against the Catholic Church in the past 20 years, is actively seeking. Anderson filed suit last week under the federal Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) alleging that Catholic bishops have conspired to conceal sexual misconduct by priests.

The charges in his suit include conspiring to bribe and avoid prosecution by maintaining secret files available only to church bishops, moving priests from parish to parish to avoid lawsuits and criminal prosecution, routinely not reporting child-abuse allegations, even in states where the law requires it, and reaching secret settlements, which he calls bribery.

Like Sipe, Anderson believes child abuse by priests is vastly underreported. Because so many cases are settled out of court, Anderson says, there is no way to know what percentage actually becomes public. "The RICO law clearly applies to the conspiracy at the highest levels of the Catholic Church."

Says Anderson: "If they act like mobsters, then they have to be held accountable like mobsters."

Recent Stories