A heartbreaking decision

Alex will never face a Career Field Designation form. The Marines are a specialized service more heavily organized around the infantry. But he has a more immediate dilemma ahead. Alex relocated during the last week of April to a short, temporary assignment. Then he's off to a duty station, the absolute reverse of the freedom he has enjoyed here: tight quarters, tiny community, with everyone knowing everyone else's business. "Any [homosexual] contact with anyone is unthinkable," he says.

So how does he plan to behave, how does he expect to cope? He echoes the themes Brett and Drake keep repeating about their futures: "I don't know. I don't live in a hypothetical world, so I don't know what I'll do. It's irrelevant now. Military training says we don't worry about what we can't change."

Drake happily seconds that sentiment. After years of feeling terrified of exposure, he faced one of the worst possible scenarios at Tracks this February, but the would-be disaster proved a turning point in his personal development.

Jason was so supportive that Drake has come out to one straight friend after another since February. "I've got six straight friends that routinely go to hockey matches and baseball games and stuff and I'm like their ..." He pauses, searches for a way to describe it. "I'm like their queer buddy."

Since that incident, Drake has spent nearly every weekend with Jason and his girlfriend, and has developed a whole new sense of identity. "They're the first straight friends that I've ever been out to," he says. "Being with them and being honest with myself has really helped me come to terms with who I am and accept the fact that maybe I am capable of being in love and maybe I'm just adult enough to make it work. It's a goal. I never had a goal before that involved my love life."

In April, these friends inspired him to pursue a dormant long-distance romance that had sizzled briefly after a trip to the West Coast last Fourth of July. He has made several trips back this spring, fallen head over heels and lined up his next duty station for the man's hometown. "It's the first time it's ever happened to me," he says. "And it's really funny too, because it's all I think about. It's pathetic."

Just before Memorial Day, Drake casually mentions in a final round of follow-up interviews that he has gradually let go of the general's-star dream. "I would love to make general, but I will never be married and there have only been two nonmarried modern generals," he says. "I don't think general is a possibility, but I do think I'll be a colonel." He says it so nonchalantly, it's hard to believe he's the same blustery guy on the verge of belting me for suggesting the danger over lunch at Brett's last February.

He lets out a good belly laugh at being reminded of how heated our discussion grew. "I think being acknowledged and accepted has given me pause," he says. It "has kind of mellowed me out a little bit, to become more accepting of myself and less of a 'Fuck them all, I've got to prove something.' I will have proved something to myself every time I get promoted and every time I get to a point where I didn't think I was going to be."

He has even begun to let go of the idea of "the profession of arms," though he says that's strictly based on a profound attraction to a new specialty he began experimenting with last year, not because of his private life. "I could be sort of leaning toward this specialty, but my heart is still in the combat arms," he says. He says he has "a lot of soul-searching to do" before his own Career Field Designation form is issued.

Suddenly, the man dead certain of every significant goal appears lightheartedly open to serendipity. "I remember when we first started talking, [I was saying,] 'Hell no! I may be at a crossroads, but by God, my turn indicator is on and I know where I'm going!' Now I've sort of got my hazards on. I could go either way. I have no idea," Drake says. And he seems absolutely content with the unknown. "Who knows, they may somehow change the gay thing and I'll be the Army's first gay general," he laughs. "I have time on my side right now."

But in all his reassessments, one position remains absolute. He dismisses Jason's advice to leave the Army out of hand. "I can't imagine another way of life," he says. "It gives me a total sense of purpose. It is why I am."

Next Page: Brett's decision

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