Sunday, Sep 7, 2008
All this is a perfect example of what G.K. Chesterton warned us about: "If there is one thing worse than the modern weakening of major morals, it is the modern strengthening of minor morals." But now that we've started down this road, in the same way that we had former lovers crawling out of the woodwork to tell tales on our philandering politicians, we'll have complete strangers spilling the beans about the ill-mannered behavior they've observed. How long before we get an eyewitness account ("Customer Jane Doe") of McCain chewing out his dry cleaner because he wasn't able to get a coffee stain off the senator's favorite shirt? ("He really blew his stack," said an unnamed but highly placed source familiar with the stain. "He bent a wire hanger and stormed out.")
Well, far be it from me to buck a hot journalistic trend. So, as a public service, I've compiled a list of the foul dirt slipped to me by the opposition research teams of various presidential campaigns. Here's a sneak peek at the scandalous revelations -- I mean, meaningful indicators of leadership -- sure to rock the race for the White House in the months to come:
George W. Bush: Has trouble remembering names, especially foreign ones with lots of consonants. (Regrettably this leaked out before I could break it in my column.) Might consider balancing the ticket by choosing Alex Trebek as his VP.
Al Gore: Isn't always careful about separating paper from plastic in his garbage bags.
Steve Forbes: Not sure he has the table manners to be president. Frequently confuses salad fork with entree fork.
Orrin Hatch: Ever since the Clarence Thomas hearings has developed a taste for porn. Owns the entire filmography of Long Dong Silver on DVD.
Bill Bradley: Not sure he has the personal hygiene to be president. Reportedly sweats a lot. Only flosses biannually and once, when he ran out of soap, used shampoo instead, confiding to a friend that it was "just as good."
Gary Bauer: Never on time. Sets his clocks five minutes fast, but then takes five more minutes waking up because he knows they're fast.
Pat Buchanan: Cheap, cheap, cheap. Known to take dates to Der Wienerschnitzel and show off by ordering in German.
Had we used these new, refined criteria for selecting our leaders we would have been spared the unpleasantness of, say, Winston Churchill (drank too much and smoked foul-smelling cigars indoors) or Andrew Jackson (prone to putting his muddy boots on White House furniture).
Politics isn't a charm-school cotillion. I'll take impassioned policies over impeccable manners every time.
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