"I have the American dream licked"

My point is that "Craveman," like "Kill It and Grill It," is a huge shout from the top of the top mountain. Mankind: A quality of life upgrade is available to each and every one of you. It should give you a quality of life upgrade, which means no drugs, no alcohol, no fast food -- unless, of course, it's a mallard.

I write for over 50 publications now. My writings are, you know, I am a goofball, I am the Motor City Madman, I scare white people with my guitar, yet even I, old lowly guitar player from the streets of Motown, have figured out that the quality of your enjoyment, your quality of life overall is going to be based upon a desire to maximize your level of awareness, to be aware of the honest cause and effect of your daily activities. So yes, we don't just have fun with the hunting, the trapping, the planting of trees, the filleting of bluegills; we celebrate it. Because not only is there a pandemic of obesity of the body in America, but I believe that there is a pandemic of the soul as well -- once again, I'll reference the popularity of the show "The Osbournes."

So how do you feel about "The Osbournes"?

I think the success of "The Osbournes" as a TV show is an indictment of the soullessness of mankind. Now, I'm just a guitar player, but when I see a train wreck, I don't look at it and laugh -- I try to save injured people. You're not supposed to wring entertainment out of tragedy. Ozzy is a nice man, he is a kind man, he is an extremely talented man, extremely tenacious, obviously. But he is the poster boy of why I never touched poisons in my life. Because I don't want to drool, nor do I want to allow a woman in my life to take advantage of my drooling condition to make millions of dollars from people laughing at me. That's what she has done. And no one is laughing with the Osbournes; they are laughing at them. I find that soulless.

Being a guitar man yourself, have you found that the Osbournes represent the family life that people think most rock stars have?

That's the worst thing! There's three levels. Well, there's obviously a million levels. But let's go with the obvious three. There's Jerry Garcia's level: They did so many drugs they died. You don't have enough tape and I don't have enough time to list all the dead assholes. That's Level 1: The ultimate failure of individuals and society to identify deadly conduct. Horrifically, not only didn't they identify it, they fucking celebrated it. They encouraged it, they wrote about it, they danced about it, they drew people into it. So now, you have death and mayhem out of control. That's not an opinion, that's an observation of 53 years clean and sober. I'd like to go see Jimi Hendrix, I'd like to go see John Belushi, I'd like to, well, I wouldn't like to go see Jerry Garcia, he's not one of my favorite guitar players. But that's the ultimate stupidity: Poison yourself to death for no other reason except that some trendy asshole thought it was groovy, baby.

The second level is Ozzy: You're not dead, but damn close. And again, I'm to repeat this: I LIKE OZZY. He is a good guy. He is an extremely talented man. More talented for the fact that he took those talents he does have, which are moderate, and sold 50 million records with them. He surrounded himself with the Randy Rhodes and the Tommy Aldridges and the Zack Wilds and mastered building a million homes out of timber that most people couldn't have built a barn with. That's real talent.

So that's Level 2: You did all the stupid things, but you survived. Great.

Then there is Level 3: Ted. He defied the stupidity and his American dream soars on the wings of an American eagle. Because my happiness -- the content, the fiber, the joys, the emotion -- is all thriving in my life, because I discipline myself. Aha! That's what Jerry and Ozzy didn't have: The big "D." Discipline. My parents taught me to shoot a gun conscientiously, safely, and responsibly, and disciplined me if I didn't. I would get my block knocked off, which is what Ozzy's little brats need a good dose of. God, I wish my dad was still alive. He could fix those kids in one night. I'd just say, Dad, could you fix those assholes for me? Thank you very much.

Level 3 is those who are smart enough not to drink and drive, not to poison their God-given gifts, and to live the American dream of seeking excellence, and the resulting happiness that can not be stopped.

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