"I have the American dream licked"

To judge from his book jacket, fans of the man who Aerosmith's Joe Perry refers to as "good old Uncle Ted" include Charlton Heston and most of the Bush administration -- he has blurbs from Tommy Thompson, the secretary of health and human services; Tom Ridge, the director of homeland security; and even W. himself, who writes of Nugent, "We're glad you're here. You are a good man." Nuge returns the praise, if not obliquely, saying, "He did an amazing job in Texas with improving the air, soil and water quality." Conservative radio attack dog Rush Limbaugh is a Nuge pal.

But even those who aren't eager to join Tribe Nuge still have respect for the man: Mitch Albom, author of "Tuesdays with Morrie," writes, "I've known Ted for years, and I can't say I always agree with him. I can't even say I often agree with him. But I respect him for this reason: In a world where fame makes people fat and satisfied, Ted continues to fight for his beliefs."

The Motor City Madman recently took time off between interviews for MTV and "Politically Incorrect" to deliver a mini-sermon on those beliefs for Salon readers. The man is a straight shooter: It's clear in this interview that he loves nature, his family, wilderness, God, guns and guitar, and that he loathes animal rights activists, bag limits, hunting restrictions, factory farms, drugs, alcohol and the rock star lifestyle as epitomized by the Osbournes (though he took time out to pray that the Osbournes would renounce their soulless lifestyle and find salvation).

So it's lunchtime. What are you eating?

I'm eating this most miraculous protein. I can only tell you it was made by my buddy, Pete the butcher, in Reed City, Michigan. This guy is my favorite Pollack. He creates a wild boar-venison combination kielbasa to die for. [Squeals] It's so good, it's almost like sex! And yes, I cooked it myself, because I am very independent. I breed my own wife, play my own guitar, shovel my own horseshit, chop my own wood, grow my own trees and scare my own white people. Thank you very much.

Do you spend a lot of time breeding your own animals?

One of our buffalo just had two babies in the last couple days. It's a magic time on the Nugent Swamp. We live right out here in the middle of a beautiful 2,000-acre swamp here in Michigan. I dedicate my life to what I what I lovingly refer to as an "environmental orgy," celebrating the responsibility for stewardship. We plant over 1,000 trees every spring; we've done so since 1970. We have a herd of buffalo on our property and every indigenous flora and fauna, we have as perfect biodiversity as any chunk of ground could possibly produce. It's a big part of our life.

I still tour like a man possessed, because I am. And I tour like a horndog from now till September. I'll be promoting "Kill It and Grill It," and the new CD, "Craveman." Now that's Crave man, C-R-A-V-E-M-A-N.

I noticed that. Do many people ask you about "your new CD, 'Caveman?'"

Yes, they do. Last year, we had "Full Bluntal Nugity." Now how old are you?

I'm 28.

OK. You respect your elders. I can feel it over the phone. Now, has mankind become fat? Is anyone's radar working out there? It's so obvious that "Full Bluntal Nugity" is just a slight twist, utilizing my namesake, to play games and bastardize the phrase "full frontal nudity." Does it really need explanation?

I got it.

You got it, I got it. But over the last two years, I've had to explain it over and over. It's like the Special Olympics of interviews sometimes. I have to walk these people through it! No, not "full frontal" -- that's the original colloquialism -- it's Full! Bluntal! Nugity! Not nudity! It's Nugity, because my name is Nugent, get it? It's unbelievable! It's like I've landed in "The Planet of the Apes," and I have to teach people to wipe themselves after they shit. And be that as it may, "Craveman" has already started the same kind of shit! People will say, "Tell me about your new Caveman CD. Are you like a caveman?" I go, "Do you see the 'r'? Do you know what an 'r' looks like? Did your eye see it? Did your mouth respond?"

I certainly qualify as the ultimate 2002 caveman. But ultimately, what my new book, "Kill It and Grill It," and what my life celebrates -- what I did this morning with the buffalo, and the geese, and the deer, and the pheasants, and my dogs, and my horses, and my children, and my wife -- I crave the American dream. The American dream is about optimal partying. Not puking and dying -- that's not a party, unless of course "The Osbournes" is your favorite show. The life that God has blessed us with should be celebrated with attentiveness, and goodwill towards utilizing his precious gifts in a responsible fashion. How's that for the Motor City Madman's take on the world around us?

Next Page: What the Nuge does when he sees a train wreck

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