Letters

"To all the men out there, I say: You Want Me to Want You. To Ms. Dickerson, I say: If you want to be desirable, check the hurt and the drama at the door." Readers respond to Debra Dickerson's essay on the missing black women of "Wedding Crashers."

Aug 2, 2005 | Read "I Want You to Want Me," by Debra Dickerson.

Ah, just what we need; yet another article about how "undesirable" black women supposedly are. I suppose the constant media attention to women like Beyoncé, Halle Berry and Tyra Banks means nothing when you've been ignored by an office full of clueless white men. I'm truly sorry that Ms. Dickerson did not receive the sexual attention she so desired. However, her personal experience does not necessarily encapsulate the experience of every black woman in America.

I'm a 34-year-old black woman who has been pursued by every race imaginable and married to a handsome white man for 10 years; I've never, even in my single days, been ignored by men in queues, gone unassisted when I needed help with packages, or gone without at least one man, white or not, nursing a crush on me in some capacity. I suppose, reflecting on my own experiences, I could just as easily write an article about how white men absolutely love black women, and how odd it is that this isn't reflected in modern cinema. In other words, personal experience counts for nothing unless it conforms to a liberal bias in which black women are to be pitied as opposed to embraced as equals.

Yes, racism exists, and perhaps black women as a whole suffer from an excess of low self-esteem, but I somehow doubt many of us are losing sleep over whether Vince and Owen are lusting for us. If Ms. Dickerson could remove the chip from her shoulder, she may discover that there are more pressing issues at hand than whether movie stars want to nail her or not.

-- Marie Flatow

Dickerson both raises a valid point about the short shrift given to the sexuality of black women and undermines it in the same piece. It amazes me that in the same paragraph she can lament how her white male co-workers didn't notice her, and admit that she delayed marriage because she was "holding out for a brother." You can't have it both ways, Ms. Dickerson.

I was born and raised in a very religious, monocultural Midwestern area with no nonwhite residents. When I went to college I first heard that white men aren't supposed to ask out black women from the women themselves. I found my fellow black female students as sexy as any women around. But they were only interested in the few black men on campus, while those men were interested in pretty much any woman. It seems to me that if black women want to be appreciated for what they are, they need to stop limiting themselves. Maybe white society has not given black women their due, but they facilitate the process by doing just what Ms. Dickerson did: Holding out for a brother. Believe me, the white boys can tell.

-- Chris Pollock

I think there's a much smaller, more obvious reason there are no black weddings in "Wedding Crashers."

Ready? In order to crash a wedding, the characters pretend to be relatives of the family. And Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are, with the possible exception of Topher Grace, two of the whitest actors in the country.

The absence of ethnicity from the film's montages has everything to do with common sense and nothing to do with Hollywood's black-culture opacity.

-- Marci Kiser

Yes, black women get short shrift when it comes to Hollywood movies, and we're over-portrayed as harpies; fat, sexless grandmas; and shrill ghetto mamas. But black women cast as the sexy love interest have been gaining ground: Halle Berry in "Monster's Ball" and the last James Bond movie; Thandie Newton in "ER," "Mission Impossible II," and "Charade"; Angela Bassett opposite De Niro in "The Score"; Nia Long in "Alfie" and "The Boiler Room." Just to name a few.

As a black woman who dated white, Asian and black men before getting married three years ago at age 38 to a wonderful white man (eight years my junior) I can identify with a lot of what Ms. Dickerson said. However, as a dark-skinned woman with very "black" hair, I didn't find it especially difficult to snag boyfriends (usually white) in Boston during the late '80s, despite getting "erased" a few times. I usually made the most of being the only black woman in a situation. Since I already stood out, why not turn things to my advantage? My flirtations were usually well received.

I've been to several great weddings of black women marrying white and Asian men. I have to say the glass may actually be half full and rising.

-- Deeanna Franklin-Campbell

I am 51, white and male. I can assure you that I often feel invisible in line when the associate behind the register is young, black and female. The enthusiastic greetings and simple thank yous that are given out to others (including young whites and white women) are notably absent as they move me, and others like me, through the line with a sneer.

I do not begrudge Ms. Dickerson her pain. Nor do I wish to denigrate her experience. But I suspect that those days are at the beginning of their end in this country. I have noticed that the best romantic comedies are now starring black men. The hot chick that delivers humanity to Alfie is black. But perhaps the most telling media image that I have seen was local. I am from rural Tennessee. I live in ... yes, it's true ... White County. The local newspaper ran a pictorial some months ago showing a classic old Southern white man with his beloved granddaughter at a civic event. That pretty girl was the color of Ms. Dickerson. Woe betide the person who crossed that baby in front of her besotted grandpa.

This is the future in black and white for America. The past lives within Ms. Dickerson and I. But hopefully will not survive us.

-- John S Poteet

I am a white man who has never dated anyone who was not a black woman.

It's not an easy thing to do. I often wish I could not be so damned attracted to black women, because very few of them even glance at a white guy trying to make eye contact or respond favorably to being approached by a respectful white guy (especially if they are with their friends).

Maybe I should walk around with a T-shirt that says "I like black women" so that women like yourself, who might be interested in a friendly, polite nice-looking young white man, could know that at least one guy is looking for them too.

-- Daniel Palmer

Next Page: "Women of color were and are seen as spoils of war, so as a black woman I don't give a damn whether white men desire me"

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