Saturday, Jul 5, 2008
"True feminists can change their own damn light bulbs." Readers respond to Ayelet Waldman's column about the division of domestic labor.
Jun 22, 2005 | [Read "A Woman Needs a Repairman," by Ayelet Waldman.]
Ms. Waldman asks how she can allow her husband to perform certain responsibilities without feeling guilty. The answer is pretty simple: Think of it as outsourcing. Sure, I could deliver my own mail, but that's what I pay the post office for. I could rent a truck and pick up the new sofa I bought with a couple of friends, but I'll just pay the delivery fee instead. The difference is that when one's spouse/partner/etc. takes care of the job in question, no money changes hands, but a transaction still takes place -- it's just bartered. Honey, you fix the toilet, and I'll cook dinner. Tit for tat, quid pro quo.
-- Howard Cheng
Oh, Ayelet! You are just lazy! So am I! So is everyone! I let my partner do all kinds of things that I should be doing, and he does them because he is a kind, hardworking and generous person, and so is your husband. (I know, I have met him.) So lie back and enjoy the luxury of not having to do it all yourself. Some people, and not all of them men, like that sort of thing. I used to have a woman friend who, while not playing the flute and administering the University of Iowa International Writers' Program, was happy to tar her porch roof and hammer out dents in her car. You are making amply productive use of your time wondering whether you should feel guilty. I say, don't bother with that, either.
-- Jane Smiley
Waldman says, "I am an adamant feminist ... During the periods in my marriage when I chose to stay home with my kids rather than work as an attorney, it caused me no end of anxiety. Despite the fact that I knew I was contributing to our family by caring for our children, I still felt that my worth was less because I wasn't earning."
What kind of feminism is that, Ayelet? Feminism isn't about forcing women to work. It isn't even about the right to work. Feminism is about our right to make our own choices.
You are obviously quite proud to call yourself a feminist. Do not be so proud, however, as to cast aspersions on we who earn good wages and make the choice to work in the home. There is great value in raising children, volunteering in the community, and building a solid and united household. Families have been the foundation of our society and societies around the world for hundreds of years. Choosing to build a family is a valid, noble choice for a woman to make. To undervalue yourself or any woman who dedicates herself to that cause is not feminism.
However, to the main point of your essay, I say, "Me, too."
-- Meg Freebern
Ayelet Waldman's article does not surprise me one bit. I wish I had a nickel for every self-described "feminist" who is nonetheless unwilling to make substantial adjustments to her life if they might interfere with the more cushy and convenient traditional female prerogatives.
Sure, chanting the word "equality" with your fist clenched might add a chic and fashionable distraction into a college woman's life, but let's face it: Feminism would never attract many adherents if it ever began to advocate things like equal responsibility or equal punishments or equal representation of women in hazardous male-dominated jobs.
The typical feminist of today is way too hip and cool to pay for her own drink when she goes out partying. And why should she? Any attempt to restrict her behavior is sexist oppression. And she'll throw a righteous fist into the face of any male who tells her otherwise -- perhaps while sternly lecturing him on the immorality of violence (against women, that is).
Ms. Waldman claims that household repair is the "only" area of her marriage that is "traditional." I find this extremely hard to swallow. Many women who claim to care about "inequality" are nonetheless champions when it comes to studiously ignoring the inequalities that favor themselves. Does Ms. Waldman still expect her husband to act as her free personal bodyguard when they walk in the bad parts of town? If she's on a sinking ship, does she really intend to wait in line for a lifeboat? Is it boorish for her husband to criticize her in public while she's unrestrained in criticizing her husband in public? Does Ms. Waldman exercise her "option" to pay half the check in a restaurant when her husband has no such "option" if his wife ever feels like not paying?
What feminists refer to as the "backlash" is not against women's gaining equality. It is against the fact that a lot of women are getting to have their cake and eat it too: equality when it's convenient, tradition when it's convenient.
The reason for Ms. Waldman's puzzle is obvious: Though she calls herself a feminist and knows how to piously mouth the proper slogans, she has little intention of living as she speaks whenever her desire for "equality" requires her to do the hazardous and yucky stuff that only men are fit to do.
-- Linney Uston
What Ms. Waldman really needs is a swift, bitter-to-swallow dose of reality. "True feminists" can change their own damn light bulbs, put together any particle-board bookcase Ikea can offer -- and not with our Manolos but with Black and Decker tools, thank you very much.
Sure, be proud that your husband changes some diapers; after all, you have a large brood of kiddies together (as we read in your "Baby Lust" piece a few months back). But, please, spare us your flip-flopping around on what defines a feminist in 2005. You can be a stay-at-home mother, you can want your Prince Charming, and you can learn the self-reliance it takes to pour some Drano in the clogged tub and hightail it to Target when the dimmer switch is on the fritz. We girls can do it all!
-- Susan May
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