My wife and I have worked very hard to raise our child well. We have made the same sorts of sacrifices and compromises that many parents make (less spousal intimacy, career advancement, and personal time) to maximize time with our child. We have been firm when necessary (not physical punishment, but firm, consistent discipline), all the while worrying about the potential repercussions to our parent-child relationship, as do all sensitive and sensible parents when they discipline their children.

So our toddler child goes to daycare and faces the children of parents who cannot bring themselves to, or choose not to, properly discipline their children. Our child is bitten repeatedly by several children who, having experienced one biting child in the school's "tolerant" atmosphere, learned that it is OK to bite because it is "tolerated." Now our toddler is coming home from daycare day after day in a sullen mood, with nasty welts and cuts from the bites. Our child wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, having dreamed of being attacked, suddenly and unexpectedly, by children at school. After about 12 or 13 bites, our child's personality is clearly being affected by these near-daily assaults. We consult our pediatrician, who is shocked to hear the treatment our child is receiving as a result of the lax attitude of the daycare facility. The pediatrician tells us that it seems that our 2-year-old toddler may be experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder.

When we have a sit-down meeting with the "tolerant" daycare director, she accuses us of lying about the frequency of biting, even though I am holding the incident reports in my hand. In the end, we move our child to another school, which results in additional confusion and sorrow for our child, having been separated from friends and placed in an alien environment. All because of other people's poor judgment and inaction.

So Neal, do you think it is OK that my 2-year-old child is experiencing unrelenting physical trauma and developing a psychiatric disorder just so you can feel sorry for your child and yourself? Did you ever consider that maybe you have not been disciplining your child properly, and you simply let other toddlers and parents pay the price? Did you take one moment to think about the repercussions of these events on other people's lives? It does not sound like it to me.

-- Will Neff

Mr. Pollack, you say that you and your wife work at home. You say that due to your 2-year-old son's expulsion from preschool, you are now "facing a summer of hell." I am simply astounded by the fact that two apparently intelligent and well-educated adults can't seem to organize themselves enough to take care of one (albeit turbulent, perhaps even seriously troubled) toddler.

I had three children in the space of five and a half years. During those years, I worked at home as a freelance journalist and translator. My husband worked full time outside the home. I was alone with those kids all day, and neither preschool nor a nanny was an option. One of my children was also troubled and entered therapy at age 3, so I know about turbulence as well.

My low-tech solution? I found a neighborhood teenager willing to take the kids to the park and whatnot for a few hours a day to give me the peace and quiet I needed to get my work done. She needed spending money, so we worked out a reasonable salary that I could afford and she was delighted to earn.

She wasn't a trained psychologist; she didn't carry around flash cards; she didn't teach my kids the multiplication tables. But she brought them home happy and tired and ready for a nap, and maybe that's all you really need this summer.

-- S. Lehman

Parents who try to reason with a 2-year-old about biting are doing their child a real disservice. I work with children and I see kids like this who turn 2 and get very angry and insecure because they realize no one is in charge. And children in that situation don't get better. They get worse. I saw a 2-year-old biter later at his fourth birthday party pull down his pants and piss all over his toys in the backyard, and his dad said, "We don't do that in front of people. Wash your hands."

-- Justeen Ward

Frankly I don't have much sympathy for the parents with the biting toddler. I have intelligent, high-energy, high-needs twins, and I had difficulty with one of my children biting the other or me. What worked for me was spanking. When they were under 2, there were only two things for which I spanked: biting and running into the street. Spanking was always preceded by a verbal warning. ("Biting is a spanking matter!") Pretty soon the verbal warning was enough to stop the biting mid-act, and eventually there was no more biting at all.

My children are neither cowed nor bullies. There is a middle ground between the no-spanking and the punitive fundamentalist approaches to discipline. Choose to discipline only the most dangerous behaviors with spanking, and always give a verbal warning before you swat.

-- Francesca Davis

There's an excellent book that may be helpful to Mr. Pollack and other parents who feel overwhelmed and confused by their children's behavior. It's called "The Challenging Child," by Stanley I. Greenspan, M.D.

Also, Mr. Pollack suggests that because his child has not yet achieved verbal sophistication, there is little a therapist could do. On the contrary, a good child/family therapist trained in working with young children can be very helpful in such situations and can also offer important support and coaching to parents. Many geographic areas have professional organizations (for example, of clinical social workers and clinical psychologists) that can provide referrals, and some therapists offer sliding-scale fees.

I wish Mr. Pollack and his family good luck.

-- Shobhana Kanal

The problem is not with their kid. The problem is that they refuse to do their jobs as parents. This means being disciplinarians and it means being totally consistent about what is or is not acceptable behavior. Their kids cannot ever be allowed to think they will can away with bad behavior. That is the lesson of the supernanny.

Did they think kids arrive as miniature adults? It is the human nature to be beastly. Kids are little savages and it's up to their parents to civiliize them enough to make it possible for innocent bystanders to encounter their kids without bite scars. If you don't want to be the disciplinarian all of the time, don't be a parent.

-- Alice Schmid

Elijah is not ready for the childcare situation his father describes. He needs one-on-one attention from an adult who can show him how to interact with other kids in socially acceptable ways. Someone needs to take him to places where he will have to interact with other kids -- playgrounds, children's museums, even the children's room at the public library -- and stay right on top of him. He needs an adult to show him what to do when he wants a shovel, not just to punish him when he tries to get it by biting. Kids don't come into the world as social beings. They have to be taught. Some need more instruction than others. Some need a lot more. What is needed here is active parenting. I hope Elijah's parents have the physical and emotional stamina to give him what he needs.

-- Name Withheld

Are we really supposed to feel sorry for this pair? Not once did I hear the slightest indication that either were taking responsibility for this child, his behavior, or their duty to do something about it. All I heard was sad whining about the system and what it isn't doing for them.

Yes, it does sound like this child is particularly difficult, so in that sense I feel their pain, but when you decide to have a child you have to take responsibility for them no matter what. It's that unconditional-love thing.

That means you have to be prepared to lose your life to them if that's what it takes. If not, you really ought not to have children.

OK, too late for that. Here's what I suggest -- stop fighting. Accept the fate bestowed on you and make good out of it. If this means one of you has to give up your job, give it up. If it means you need to move somewhere where you can afford the services this child requires, then do so. If this means your hard-earned career is over, so be it. The child comes first. The moment that child was conceived you entered into a contract, a contract of love that says you give what you have to so that he may be happy.

As a final note, while there is a component of truth about the chemicals in this kid's head being the problem, there is undoubtedly a learned behavioral aspect too. A behavior the parents probably have some responsibility for. I suggest they take a long, hard look at their parenting techniques and perhaps reconsider what they are and aren't doing.

In the end I'm afraid I don't have much hope for a resolution other than time, particularly given how these parents are so fixated on their own problems and not the child's. Amazingly enough, often the worst kids, even with the most self-centered parents, come out pretty well. I can only hope all of them grow up soon.

-- Matt Fahrner

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