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Sunday, Jul 12, 2009
"Elijah needs a spanking, and quite frankly so do his parents." Legions of readers respond to Neal Pollack's essay about his son's expulsion from preschool.
Jun 1, 2005 | [Read "When Toddlers Get Fired," by Neal Pollack.]
I can't say that I sympathize with Neal Pollack much, and it's not due to lack of similarity in circumstance. My husband and I are both academics, so for us, the opportunity to write, work at home, and have unfettered time to think like an adult is equally important. And no one would ever call our son an easy child. But that's where the similarity ends. Yes, it's difficult to have two careers and a child. Yes, kids do maddening things at age 2 and you can't exactly reason with them to get the behavior to stop. Yes, preschools and childcare centers should provide more individualized services for kids who don't fit the standard mold. But, for god's sake, you still have to be a parent! Parents are the ones who have to take responsibility for a child's behavior -- not the preschool staff. You have to deal with your child all the time, not just when he's being funny and smart.
I really don't want to sound like Dr. Laura here, but something truly disturbed me about Pollack's writing, in particular what it revealed about the priority of the child in their lives. The preoccupation of Pollack and his wife seem to be: How much time can we spend away from our child? How can we get him out of our hair for as long as possible in order to preserve our jobs, our intelligence, our sanity, our marriage? If they think this attitude isn't being conveyed to the child in some way, they're sorely mistaken.
-- Cynthia Ching
I'm a little mystified at Neal Pollack's assertion that excellent, affordable childcare is a God-given right, right up there with freedom of speech and religious tolerance. He seems to expect a low-paid childcare worker to have the infinite patience he and his wife seem to lack. If he feels "forced" into caring for his high-strung son and doesn't want the work of being a full-time father, why should he expect someone else who is not biologically related to provide better care than he is capable of giving? Why have children at all?
Granted, the United States still has a long way to go toward providing affordable childcare and flexible work situations that allow parents of both genders to have fulfilling lives at work and at home. Yet, we still choose to have children in this environment, knowing that we might have to sacrifice a bit in order to do so. We might have to give up some income, or delay our careers for a couple of years, or miss out on some aspect of our children's lives in order to make parenthood work for us. Life is nothing if not choices.
The fact remains that public schools aren't required to educate children until they reach kindergarten. We can call daycare for toddlers "school," but that doesn't change the fact that daycare is a contractual service. If you choose to outsource the care of your pre-K child, then you subject yourself to the vagaries of the free market. If you want your child to have organic juice and one-on-one attention, you may have to pay more for it. If your child is a difficult "client" who is endangering others, the daycare provider has the right to decline service.
I hope that Neal and his wife are able to arrange a situation that works for them and their son. But I can't bring myself to feel sorry for them.
-- Dina Pradel
I was very much of two minds reading this article. I had a child who was repeatedly assaulted by another 3-year-old. But I can sympathize with parents who have children with behavioral problems -- the consequences are obvious from the article. And I also appreciate the honesty of the article, the refusal to downplay the effects of the child's aggressive behavior. Hard as it is going to be, the parents need to make stopping this behavior their top priority. I don't think they can assume it will just go away. If it doesn't go away, the story will only get worse. Most important, for all of the admissions that this effort will disrupt their own lives, I think these parents get it and will do the right thing.
-- Robert Oakley
After reading this tale, it was hard to know for whom I felt sorriest. I guess, in the end, I'll cast my vote for Elijah, whose parents clearly don't understand that daily, aggressive biting isn't normal and that dealing with it is their responsibility.
Look, guys. This is your son. He's in trouble. He's angry. He's violent. He's also lovely and funny and charming, but he needs help. At the very least he needs more loving, focused attention from the two people who decided to bring him into the world. What he doesn't need from you are any further attempts to foist the blame, and the mess, onto someone else. Forget the Yale study, the nanny you can't afford, or the usefulness of this sad story to your writing career. Just step up to the plate and do your job.
-- Kathy Waugh
I sympathize with all the feelings Neal Pollack describes in his piece about his 2-year-old. Let me suggest a way of looking at the problem that might be productive. Elijah has succeeded in putting everyone around him in turmoil, and therefore has succeeded in dominating his world, which is exactly what most 2-year-olds aspire to. Congratulations, Elijah! Now the parents have to retrain Elijah, and themselves, to enjoy a different sort of world. They should dismiss all the tempting thoughts of blame, regret, guilt, and worry (I know this sounds impossible) and focus on the idea that Elijah is like any baby mammal who needs steady training in the sorts of habits that the parents prize. If they decide to spend the summer focusing on his behavior and not avoiding him and wishing to be out of his presence, they will have better success. View it as a project!
The main thing is to be alert, avoid being bitten, and refuse to react to provocative actions by Elijah. I like the three-second-rule. When the child does something provoking, ignore him, count three seconds, and then go on with what you were doing. If he has a tantrum, turn away and do something else, but don't leave the room and don't leave him alone -- that is, don't abandon, but don't react. Just do something yourself that might be interesting to him. If his provocative actions receive no response, they will subside.
But the parents have to be attentive, patient, observant, and willing to spend the time doing the retraining. If they are thinking all the time about what they would rather be doing, they will fail, and if they think that there is something "broken" inside Elijah, they will also fail. He's a kid, a puppy, a foal. He has to be trained. He's ignorant, not bad. But by reacting so much to what he is doing, both the school and the parents have essentially trained him to keep doing it -- why wouldn't he? It's working! When they stop reacting, it stops working. The school's first responsibility is to make sure that all the children are safe, so teachers are not in a good position to do nonreactive training, but the parents are. The bonus is that they will not believe how quickly it can start working, if they stick with it.
-- Jane Smiley
I am writing in reference to Neal Pollack's recent article, "When Toddlers Get Fired." I've read the article, read numerous blogs commenting on the article, and visited Mr. Pollack's Web site, and I have to say, I really can't believe the vitriol out there.
I have two children. I was raised in a normal household with the regular problems. I babysat. I worked at a daycare center. I got a college degree, then another. I was extremely competent in my career. I married, bought a house, thought carefully about children, looked at our budget, discussed parenting techniques, read books, asked questions, and still felt entirely unprepared and incompetent for what parenting brought with it. I felt joy and thankfulness and all the good stuff. I also felt depression, loss of identity, anger, resentment and lots of things I was not supposed to talk about. Sometimes I felt them at the same time. I struggled with daycare. I struggled when my son was bitten, nearly twice a week, by a boy he adored.
All this is to say parenting is hard work. We all feel things that are dark and nasty. Sometimes we don't like our kids. Sometimes we don't like ourselves for our feelings. Most of us don't get the chance to publish our feelings.
I feel for the Pollacks because, like many of us folks, parenting brought them challenges no one could prepare for. I cannot and will not speak to their experience, as I don't really know them. Mr. Pollack just happens to write about his experience. And that is what has moved me the most about his article and the comments that followed.
Internet culture is odd. Any of us can start a blog and pour our hearts and minds out on any given number of topics. It is sort of narcissistic, I suppose -- or exhibitionistic and also voyeuristic. And, any of us can anonymously reach out and attack or support another, like a sniper or an angel. We can just type a few words and shoot them out there. And boy it feels great. I don't have to worry about my problems, only yours. And you never have to know it was me.
It's the price we pay for the freedom the Internet gives us, I guess. But reading the really nasty comments so many people have written about the Pollacks makes me think it is a high price. I appreciate his articles and his bravery for putting it out there. I hope he keeps writing.
-- Julie Lucas
