Lighten up

Readers respond to articles on feminism and the dinner bill, Bush's healthcare insanity and America's love of dysfunction.

May 9, 2002 | Read "Check, Please," by Ann Marlowe.

Ann Marlowe blames every man -- the waiter, the date -- everyone but herself for the man paying the bill. She wants power offered to her. How much more powerful it is instead of whining after the fact to instead say to one's date when the waiter has gone, "Here, let me pay that for you."

-- Thomas Krala

A nice meal is a gift to someone whose company you value. Does the author also question the sexual politics of a bouquet of flowers? In any case, the easiest solution to dealing with the who-pays-for-dinner dance: The person who invites and/or selects the restaurant (or the expensive vino) pays for dinner.

-- Kate Hagerty

I wonder exactly how many young women the author of this article actually spoke to before concluding that we are all ready to sell ourselves to the man with the biggest paycheck. Not all women in their twenties look for signs that their date respects them in how much money he shells out for their company. I always go to dinner prepared to pay for myself. If the man offers to pay, that is a pleasant surprise (hey, I don't make very much money and rarely turn down a free meal).

Moreover, it is often difficult to tell what a dinner engagement really means -- Is this a date? Are we just friends? When a man wants to pay for my meal, regardless of whether I accept his offer, that lets me know that he views our interaction in a romantic light. It may be a silly convention, but sometimes it's also a helpful hint. The author of this article needs to take a deep breath. While being able to pay for yourself can be a source of pride and give you a sense of independence, it might be a good idea to have enough self-esteem to be able to let someone treat you to a meal every once in a while.

-- Elisa Rassen

So the waiter was politically incorrect. Ann has a mouth doesn't she? Next time, use it. Say, "Put the bill where I can see it. Scott, I'm paying for half." What an overblown piece of nonsense this column is! It's the sort of thing you write to Ann Landers if you have absolutely no common sense.

-- Dudley Crawford

Amen! I agree heartily with Ann Marlowe on this subject. I've always resisted the idea of men footing the bill for a date, particularly a first date. I'm a young professional woman, and I, like Marlowe, have for the first time in my life found financial independence. Oddly enough that financial independence has coincided with social independence and being back on the dating scene for the first time in eight years. My previous boyfriend never had issues with my paying for meals or movies, so it seems really odd for me when I go on a date and have to argue with a guy about paying my share.

I am far less likely to go on a second date with a guy who makes an issue out of going Dutch and I respect a guy who has enough self-esteem to let me pay. Most men I've discovered understand the theory behind my desire to pay my share, once I explain. The reason is extremely simple: If we both pay our share, we don't owe each other anything. You're not obligated by the cost of a dinner to do or say anything at the end of the date. This frees you up to make a decision based on your personal desires and wants, not on some archaic form of obligation. By paying for my own meal or movie, I'm merely giving myself the freedom to decide (obligation free) how I want the date to end. And since they didn't foot the bill for my meal, men are less likely to feel resentful or frustrated if the date doesn't go the way they expect.

Paying your share is the only way I can see of creating a relationship based on equal footing, and when that is missing, no amount of feminist rhetoric can save you.

-- Jane Davis

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