What about women who need to work not for psychological reasons but for financial ones? Does privilege play a part in staying at home?

Absolutely. I can say personally that we as a family made personal sacrifices to enable me to stay home: We moved to a community where we were able to afford a home and a lifestyle that could be supported by one income. That's one of the reasons we put the feature about the 10 best cities [in which to be a CHO] in the issue, because we realize that sometimes families have to move for a woman, or a man, to be able to stay home.

Right. But a huge number of families can't even afford to own a house, much less move. I'm talking about poorer women for whom staying at home is simply not an option.

Oh, absolutely. When you get into different economic levels of society there is no option to make a choice and my heart goes out to those women, because maybe they do want to be staying home and they just can't.

What kind of positive wave of change were you referring to above?

Well, I don't know how to say it without slamming anybody, but I do believe if you put your family first and are there for your children and make them feel loved and supported, they're not going to go out looking for love and support in places that might not be good for them. If society, including corporate America, put family first, imagine what kinds of positive changes would happen across all levels.

The main reason why kids get involved in gangs is because they need to feel accepted in a circle of people who understand who they are. If your kids feel they are loved and accepted at home and they have a strong home base, even if Mommy and Daddy work, they're going to be more self-confident individuals who may not need to feel like they have to go somewhere else to feel accepted. But by no means do I want to slam anyone who has to work. This is a very rocky ridge to walk.

Because people are inevitably defensive about the choices that they have made?

Oh yeah. You know we have a story in the first issue called "I'm Sooo Pissed...!" [in which a CHO responds to the question "What do you do all day?"]. When women leave the workforce, you feel like you've lost your identity. So when people ask what you do and you say, "I stay at home with my kids," you say, "I used to be in the publishing world," so that you can have something important you used to do. We are trying to start a wave of change so that people understand that being a mother is one of the most important jobs in the world. The rewards are unmeasurable.

Well, it's good to hear you talk about the rewards, because to be honest, as someone who hasn't had kids yet, your magazine scared me to death. When I opened it I assumed it would be a complete celebration of domestic life, but it actually made it sound pretty bad.

Well, that's good for us to hear for feedback. What did you think was scary?

Well, when you wrote about being "let out" once a week by your husbands, it made it sound like you were caged.

When you are a mom you have what I call a hypothetical pager, and your pager is on 24/7; you never get to turn it off. Getting "let out" means that your husband has said, "Go out for the night, I'll take care of things," and you are able to completely release yourself from responsibility.

You know reality TV? Well this is a reality magazine. We've received maybe one comment that our features were a bit long. That's the only comment that was in any way negative. The reality of staying home is sometimes "What the heck am I doing? I want to pull every hair out of my head!" and the next minute your child comes up and gives you a hug and tells you they love you and it's the best thing. But we don't want to sugarcoat things and say everything is a celebration.

I was also alarmed by the "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda" chart because it seemed like moms were depriving themselves of so much. I wanted to scream, "Buy something for yourself! Let your husband get his own dinner!" Is it really that bad?

Oh no, it's just that we always joke around; we say, "When I turn 40, I'm going to be able to talk about what I want to do!" "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda" is a humorous thing, because we all want to go on that trip to take the kids to cut down the Christmas tree, right? But then you're getting the kids in the car and cutting it down and it's cold and you're thinking "Oh my gosh, let me just buy a fake tree and be done!" It's designed to be funny.

Yes, but I agree -- buy a fake tree!

I hope you got this sentiment, that we are all very grateful at the end of the day. Going from the workforce to staying home is a transition and a challenge but it is totally worth it. The moments with your kids are priceless and when you put your head on your pillow every night you know you are there for your kids and you know you're doing the right thing. It just feels right.

Are you conscious that statements like that -- about how you know you're doing the right thing -- will make many working mothers feel angry and guilty?

I am totally conscious of that and that is a personal statement based on my own choice. Everyone has to do what they feel is right for themselves. I know by putting my family first I'm doing the right thing for me, for my children and my family unit. But everyone has to do what they feel is right. If a mom is going to stay home and not be happy about it and be in a bad mood all day because she resents it, then that's not going to be good for the family unit.

What about the Sex Scorecard article, where sex is something women withhold from their husbands. Don't moms like sex too?

I live on a street [on which] all of the houses ... are stay-at-home moms and we sit and talk about the idea of the Sex Scorecard, like, "Man, why can I not get in the mood? I am always tired, and he ticked me off doing this." But if you get to the end of the Sex Scorecard you'll see that it says that by withholding sex you're punishing yourself too and mothers need to make it more of a priority. It may get better as kids get older, but in that initial stage with bottles and laundry and getting used to the fact that you have a baby, unfortunately it's what happens.

But wouldn't all the bottles and laundry also impact husbands' libidos? Do they lose the drive?

Oh, no. What happens is that the wife's attention is mostly on the kids, but the husband hasn't changed, hasn't gone through any type of hormonal things and he's still got needs and for him it's like, "Hey, what's going on?" Hopefully they are understanding about it but I don't think that their [sex drive] is affected anywhere near the way the woman's is.

But aren't modern men supposed to be sharing in the experience of parenthood? It doesn't make sense to me that a man's life and habits wouldn't be changed at all by becoming a father.

Ha, well you know one of the feature stories for the next issue is called "My Husband Is a Single Man Who Happens to Have a Family." I mean, I'm sure you found from reading the magazine that we're trying to be humorous. I don't know how to put it, but men, as we know, maybe even biologically are able to focus on one thing at a time. Women juggle. The fact that I stay home and watch my kids gives my husband the freedom to not wear that pager because he knows I've got it covered. When we're both home we share. But we had to have that discussion many times, about having shared duty. It's the same thing women talk about all the time, that their husband doesn't clean the house or doesn't do this or that. A man will step over the bag of garbage to get to the beer in the fridge, and a woman will pick up the bag of garbage as soon as she walks into the kitchen.

But 40 years after feminism, aren't those patterns that should have changed? Don't you think that men can be better than that?

I really, really hope so. I do have a neighbor who, when her husband comes home from work, he takes care of the kids. They totally share everything. I do think it's something that can change, but there has to be conscious effort from both sides to make it work.

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