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Saturday, Jul 4, 2009
A growing number of so-called asexuals insist that their indifference toward sex isn't a pathology, but an "orientation" like being gay. But some experts say that instead of comforting themselves with a label, "amoebas" should seek help.
May 26, 2005 | As a teenager, Julie Sondra Decker spent a lot of time in the garage with her boyfriend. Her mother, understandably, was suspicious. "She accused me of having 'necking sessions,' when we really were just playing Ping-Pong," says Julie, now 27 and a bookstore worker and writer in Gainesville, Fla. "I explained how I didn't really even think kissing was fun. I remember her asking, 'Doesn't it stir anything in you?' I told her it did nothing for me and was actually quite gross. Before I went to college she actually took me to the doctor to complain that I wasn't expressing 'normal' interest in the opposite sex. The doctors told her it wasn't anything to worry about," says Julie. "I think she still wonders if I'm a closet lesbian."
Today, Julie has an active social life, a large circle of friends -- and still no interest in kissing, or anything it might lead to. "Most of my friends are men," she says. "I just don't really want them near me that way."
Has Julie, like her mother, ever worried about what was going on? "No. this is just how I feel, just like 'I like the color yellow.' There can't be anything wrong with it because it's how I feel," she says matter-of-factly. On her Web site, she is even more defiant: "I know I'm not normal and I simply don't care," she writes. Julie has labeled herself "non-sexual," she says, "because 'asexual' sounds like an amoeba and 'anti-sexual' sounds like I'm against sex in general, which I'm not. Sex is fine as long as it does not involve me."
Whether they call themselves a-, non- or anti-sexual (or even "amoebas"), a growing number of people, like Julie, consider their indifference toward sex not a problem, not a pathology, but rather, like gay or bi, an "orientation" of its own -- complete with coming-out stories, slogans, online communities, an ad hoc manifesto, merchandise and no small amount of pride. The micro-movement, with an unofficial online headquarters at the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), has gained both visibility and adherents since last fall, when an article published in the Journal of Sex Research reexamined existing British data to find that 1 percent of people report never having felt any sexual attraction.
"I think it's positive to say that for some individuals asexuality is a valid sexual orientation -- as opposed to calling it a health problem -- because that suggests that it's one of the different variations humans can have with regard to sexuality," says the study's author, Anthony Bogaert, professor of community health sciences and psychology at Brock University in St. Catherine's, Ontario, whose particular research interest is the origins of sexual orientation. It's a win-win for everyone, he notes, adding: "If you say a wide range of sexual expression exists in society, and some people are asexual and contented, then even sexual people may have less pressure on them to be super-sexual beings. Because they'll go, 'You know what, this guy never has sex, and he seems happy enough -- maybe if I'm having sex only three times a month then maybe I'm OK, too.'"
But some experts see a potentially damaging downside to the asexual pride welcome mat and are concerned that freshly "validated" asexuals, rushing headlong into acceptance, may be so quick (and relieved) to call their condition an "orientation" that they'll buy the T-shirt before they've fully explored how they might have gotten that way.
"I don't think that masses of people -- who might be confused about sexuality, or afraid about sexuality, or who have not yet experienced sexual attraction and sexual pleasure, or who have experienced sexual trauma -- should be encouraged to define themselves as 'asexual,'" says Aline Zoldbrod, a Boston-area psychologist and sex therapist and author of "Sex Smart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do About It." "I worry about boys and girls, men and women, finding an 'asexual' Web site and accepting their asexuality as an identity without even trying to understand its genesis. Some of these people need help."
