Ball and chain

Have you been married before?

Yes, I was married at 24 and divorced at 27. My marriage taught me that marriage doesn't solve any problems; it just creates new ones. And it creates this great sense of what's next. And I've never been that keen on kids so when Jay and I met, and I realized he'd been married three times, I was quite happy about that because I wasn't looking for kids.

But you said you pushed him to marriage.

Well, it's important to know that a man wants to marry you, that he would marry you. Especially since you look at Hollywood endings, even "Sex and the City" -- the TV show not the book, Candace [Bushnell] is a friend -- but even the TV show succumbed to convention. It seems like it's always about the appropriate social ending which is somehow always marriage. In the first couple of years with us it never came up. But at one point -- and I think it happens with girls at some point -- I began to think, "Would he marry me? You know, he married three other women! So what's wrong with me?" But then it turned out he did want to marry me. But then when I called it off people would look at me and say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." And I would say, "No, no way. I called it off." But they felt bad for me and that made me feel bad. And Jay said, "But you did it!" And I'd explain, "No, it's this social thing." And Jay said, "Screw 'em" and I said, "Yeah, I know, screw 'em."

So exactly how long before the wedding did you nix it?

Well, we had the date and the church. We were getting married on May 29 in 2004 in St. Barts and we called it off just before Christmas.

Was he surprised?

Yes, he nearly choked. We were having lunch over a bottle of wine and I didn't know how to say it because it wasn't supposed to be a downer. So I just said, "Would you mind if we didn't get married?" He looked at me like I'd grown another head and he said, "Are you sure?" And I said, "I love you but I have grown in my own thoughts about this." It's the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" theory.

Did you feel like you were reversing gender roles?

I did. That was actually quite fun in a way. There's something fun and playful about turning the tables. He enjoyed it too. I think it strengthened our relationship hugely.

Is there any possibility you might want to get married later?

Sure. Absolutely nothing is out of the question. It's not like it's off the table but right now it's not an imperative. Right now things are good and I'm very happy and I love him and I'm so lucky. We've been together for five and a half years and we live together and have a French bulldog named Zelda who is our child.

So do you view this as like being married?

Yes. But I've been legally tied to someone, and I know that the mind-set is different. I have a fight with Jay and I think, "I can leave." There's nothing binding me; I'm not shackled. So every day is a decision to stay. It makes my choice to be with him, to love him, proactive. And I'm excited about it.

Rich Cohen, journalist and author of "Tough Jews," wrote "How My Son Got His Name" a piece about choosing a name for the hours-old child he has with his wife, New York Assistant District Attorney Jessica Medoff.

Salon: Rich's story was more about the birth of your son than about committing to marriage. So can you fill us in on your story?

Jessica Medoff: We met in 1997 through a mutual friend and were married in 2000. I was 27; he's two years older. I had had a very serious boyfriend for many years and we had broken up, so I was at a fun point in my life where I was free and excited about that. I wasn't necessarily looking for a boyfriend.

Was it hard for you to give up your single freedom?

Soon after we met my father got sick and ended up being sick for about a year. We were at a point in our relationship when the discussion of marriage comes up. I wasn't reluctant about getting married, but with my father getting sick and because of other family stuff, I didn't want everything to happen so close in time. I just wanted to make sure everything was OK in my personal life. I didn't want things to get confused. I wasn't reluctant or commitment phobic.

Do you think it's harder for guys to settle down than for women?

Rich had dated a lot and I don't think he planned on getting married at 31 or 32. He was very excited about it and about our relationship. But getting married wasn't his plan. I think he envisioned himself getting married at an older age.

How has marriage and a baby changed your relationship??

It's gotten better and better. And I'm pregnant again, six months. With Aaron it's been amazing and there haven't been those rough patches people talk about. The birth has made the marriage even stronger. It hasn't changed our lives in any way; it's just enhanced it and maybe we're happier.

What's surprised you about the nature of commitment?

We were in a long-term relationship before marriage and we lived together, so I just assumed marriage would be the same. But there was significance to taking those vows and saying those words and going through the birth of our son that wasn't present in our lives together before we were married. Our relationship has gotten stronger and that's a surprise because our relationship was so good beforehand. I'm not saying it's not hard work, but it's made our lives better.

Sorry there's no juicy part.

What do you think you've done right?

I think people have expectations about marriage and that's where people run into trouble. I've heard friends say things like, "Oh, I want to marry this person because I want to grow old with them." And I want to ask: Who wants to grow old? Are you happy now? Are you enjoying yourself today? This week?

• View blog reactions