Ball and chain

In the new anthology "Committed," male writers from Jay McInerney to Colin Harrison explain their decision to finally settle down. Salon asked their partners for the other side of the story.

By Rebecca Traister

Feb 17, 2005 | On Feb. 14, Bloomsbury published an anthology of essays titled "Committed: Men Tell Stories of Love, Commitment, and Marriage," in which 17 men share their perspectives on settling down. The prospect of reading the male take on matters of the heart is always alluring thanks to the widely held cultural assumption that men cannot speak in complete sentences when talking about feelings. (The ancillary assumption being that women never stop gabbing about them.)

Indeed, Jay McInerney, in his introduction to "Committed," promises that many of the essays in the book "deconstruct [the] stereotype of male commitment aversion (not to mention the stereotype about men being emotionally inarticulate)." But in some respects, "Committed" does little to dispel the notion that persuading a man to marry is like stuffing a tomcat into a pet-carrier: a lot of scratching and hissing leads to grudging submission and admission of defeat. Many of the writers, even while extolling the virtues of their chosen partners, take a moment to fill readers in on their very, very successful sexual histories.

What's interesting, and sweet, about the "Committed" essayists is their explorations of the aspects of partnership not simply pertaining to monogamy. Many of the pieces touch on more nuanced examples of the compromises and sacrifices we make for love. David Sedaris allows his boyfriend to lance a boil on his ass; Chip Brown rousts himself from sleep to smear self-tanner on his wife's back; Rick Moody learns to love his girlfriend's cats; Tad Friend gets rid of a well-used mattress.

The majority of the "Committed" contributors are media machers, as are many of their partners. And as one reviewer put it, so many of the essayists are New Yorkers, Brooklynites even, that "they might as well have called it Committed in Cobble Hill.'" Salon sought out some of the local women of "Committed" -- the partners of McInerney, Colin Harrison, Jonathan Mahler and Rich Cohen -- to get the female perspective on relationships. For a change.

In "Conversion," New York Times Magazine writer and Jew Jonathan Mahler writes about falling in love with his shiksa wife, New York Times editor Danielle Mattoon. (Both are friends of this reporter.) Mahler describes the tricky religious negotiations of their engagement: Mattoon's enrollment in "Jew school," his horror at the Christmas-tree ornament with his name on it at her New England family home, their discussion of conversion and wrangling over whether she'll violate Jewish tradition by accepting gifts at a baby shower.

Salon: So what was your reaction when you read your husband's essay?

Danielle Mattoon: Well, I knew about the idea and he kept me in the loop about how it was going. So it wasn't a surprise.

What is your take on the religious issues you've had to come to grips with in your marriage?

I think it's portrayed pretty accurately in this piece. Subsequently we've had a baby and the religious issues that surrounded the marriage have raised their head again concerning Gus. I'm glad I took classes and glad we had a Jewish wedding. The conversion issue is still unresolved, but the more dogmatic he becomes, the less interested I am in capitulating because I don't want it to be -- and think it shouldn't be -- a capitulation. It should be something I want to do because I want to do it.

Next Page: "I mentally got rid of the Christmas tree on the second date"

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