He loves me, he loves me not

The upfront self-flagellation factor has made some women wary. One 34-year-old editor at a glossy women's magazine told me she was scared to read the book. The editor, in the midst of a divorce, is seeing someone new and said, "I feel like it's going to confirm that the guy I'm dating right now is not that into me." She added: "I'm afraid I might reevaluate a lot of my past relationships too and feel bad about myself for staying in things that weren't that great ... Even with all my experience working on these kinds of [relationship] stories, I'm afraid I might not be able to totally resist it mentally."

It is hard to resist. It plays on our psychological default setting: He doesn't like me. We women love to swallow hard truths about ourselves. It's not masochistic, exactly; we just believe that we can take it and that we must remain vigilant about unpleasant realities. They're good for us, like soy milk and crunches. Julie Rottenberg and Elisa Zuritsky, the "Sex and the City" writing team that penned the original "HJNTIY" episode, argue that the HJNTIY mantra is the opposite of masochism. "The fact that this has become a phenomenon says there was this huge level of denial and deluded optimism at work," Rottenberg said. Zuritsky continued, "What we have been doing to ourselves is masochistic. This lets you off the hook and cuts off the urge to pull yourself apart and try to correct the actions that might have caused him to not be into you." Yes, but only if you can stop that 3 a.m. voice at "So? He didn't like me. Big deal!" before it drops an octave and murmurs, "But what if I were skinnier?"

The important, honest truth in the book makes the frenzy around it all the more complicated. Because the authors are right, and funny, and incisive! The no-excuses Behrendt and hard-sell Tuccillo really do understand men and women and have taken careful stock of their arguments. Smith, the pediatric literacy coordinator, said that since reading it, she's been giving her friends, especially the ones "dating married men or throwing themselves at men who literally said, 'I don't love you, I'm moving away, I will be dating other people,'" "slightly meaner" advice. HJNTIY may be the best friend of the best friend: a necessary manual for all of us who have wanted to take our sisters by the throat and say: "Shut up! He is never going to call!"

But sharp as the book is, it also feels -- as Smith says of her new advice style -- slightly mean. Melinda Arons, a network news producer from Washington, D.C., and a HJNTIY convert, told me that "to have someone lay it out for you and be brutally honest about it is a liberating thing." When I asked her if the message was a little, you know, soul-killing, she said, "I don't think the authors intended for it to mean that the person has no love for you or no affection for you. Your boyfriend could be into you, but are they into you to the point where you're feeling fulfilled? If you're not, don't feel bad that you have standards, and move on."

Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and the author of "She Comes First," will publish a response to HJNTIY in February. "Be Honest: You're Not That Into Him Either!" will be released by HarperCollins' ReganBooks. Kerner, 38 and married, acknowledged the fundamental truth of the original book's message, but said it's presented in deeply flawed ways. Kerner objects to Behrendt and Tuccillo's advice about not making phone calls or being aggressive. "It's like they're telling us to sit back pulling petals off daisies: He's into me, he's not into me..."

The book's push for passivity is in fact startling. At one point, Behrendt suggests that readers write down five good reasons to call the man in question, then wait an hour and ask themselves, "Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn't trust my own innate hotness? Yes, you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun!"

"[The book] felt so prescriptive and so goddamn cocky and like such a simplistic view of life and love," Kerner said. "Any relationship comes down to two people and backgrounds and context and how they meet, and to reduce it to a set of rules ... There's something insidious about it ... It is disempowering and a lot like "The Rules," and it sort of leaves all the power with the guys." As a sex therapist, Kerner said, he finds that both genders fall "prey to complexities and vulnerabilities, and men wonder how to be masculine and what to do. So I would hate for a woman to read that book and think that any guy that doesn't call simply isn't into her. In some cases it might be true but definitely not always."

Next Page: "We're saying 'Move on, sister.' And not just 'Move on so he'll come back'"

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