Gene Robinson, the openly gay Episcopal bishop of the Diocese of New Hampshire, told the Associated Press that "it serves the common good also to support same-gender couples who wish to pledge fidelity, monogamy and lifelong commitment." On "Larry King Live," Gavin Newsom, the heterosexual mayor of San Francisco, claimed that he was only "advancing the bond of love and monogamy." On CNN "Newsnight With Aaron Brown," conservative commentator and early gay marriage advocate Andrew Sullivan described the gay marriage movement as "a very conservative thing ... We're arguing for the same conservative values of family and responsibility and monogamy that everybody else is." In the Washington Times, Democratic consultant Michael Goldman encouraged Democrats to defend civil unions for gays by saying, "[They're] about two things, which I favor -- monogamy and accountability."

But of course straight couples don't have to be monogamous to be married or married to be monogamous. Monogamy isn't compulsory and its absence doesn't invalidate a marriage. There are hundreds of thousands of heterosexual married couples involved in the organized swinging movement and God only knows how many disorganized swingers there are out there. Married straight couples are presumed to be monogamous until proven otherwise, and that assumption serves as a powerful inducement to be (or appear to be) monogamous. Even most swinging couples prefer to be seen as monogamous by friends, family and associates. But as with children, monogamy is optional. It's up to each individual couple to decide for themselves if monogamy is central to their commitment.

By promoting the idea that monogamy is central to marriage and that all gay couples who want to marry want to be monogamous, gay marriage supporters are puffing up a losing argument. Just as supporters of gay marriage can produce gay and lesbian couples with children, opponents of gay marriage won't have to search too hard to find non-monogamous gay couples among the thousands of same-sex couples who wed in San Francisco (before the courts called a halt to same-sex marriages there), and are marrying now in Massachusetts.

Indeed, my own relationship presents a tough case for opponents and supporters of gay marriage alike. My boyfriend and I have a child; we're thinking of adopting another. If children are the gold standard, we should be married. But if monogamy is the gold standard, then the couple of three-ways we admit to having disqualify us.

All sorts of nightmare scenarios play out in people's minds when a male couple -- particularly one with kids -- admits to being nonmonogamous. While married couples are presumed to be sober monogamists until proven otherwise, nonmonogamous gay male couples are presumed to be reckless sluts until proven otherwise. So, for the record: My boyfriend and I don't hang out in sleazy bars at all hours, we don't have three-ways with men we've met on the Internet, and neither of us is willing to take irrational risks for the sake of the next orgasm. Like a huge number of straight couples, we have an understanding. "Cheating" is permissible under a few tightly controlled and highly unlikely circumstances; finally, all outside sexual contact has to be very safe -- indeed, it has to be hypersafe, almost comically safe. We've never done anything, nor would we ever do anything, that would put our child at risk. (There will be no Kramer vs. Kramer moments, i.e., no strange adults wandering nude through our house in the middle of the night.) For all intents and purposes, the limits we've placed on outside sexual contact have resulted in a sort of de facto monogamy. In the 10 years we've been together the planets have aligned on a couple of occasions. We're more nonmonogamous in theory than in practice.

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