Site Presented By
Wednesday, Nov 25, 2009
"When I became a mother, I realized that everything I knew was wrong," said Judith Stadtman Tucker, 48, a former graphic designer who now edits Mothers Movement Online, a year-old clearinghouse for information about social, economic and political issues surrounding caregiving. "I sort of sat back and said, 'Wait a minute, this sucks. Why is it that I'm going through all this and my husband's life is pretty normal and he's doing the same things he was doing before? What about this equality thing?'"
Tucker said she wants people to "question why we think the things about motherhood that we think." Such as why the arduous work so often extolled as "the most important job in the world" seldom earns anything, in real life, beyond cocktail-party yawns. Why it's not merely unpaid, but an economic liability for those who perform it, whether or not they also hold outside jobs. Why society hands mothers so much responsibility for how their children "turn out" but so little authority that mothers often find their parenting practices subject to condemnation from strangers. Why "child-friendly" spaces tend to segregate kids -- and thus their caregivers -- from other adults, and vice versa. Why busy contemporary mothers feel increasing pressure (what Douglas and Michaels call the "new momism") to lavish their offspring with exhaustive attention -- Flashcards and Mozart! Elaborate craft projects! Daily "floor time"! -- that even the full-time housewives of previous generations were spared.
"June Cleaver was not expected to spend every golden moment with her children," said Joanne Brundage, founder of the nonprofit advocacy group Mothers and More. "She kicked them out the door in the morning."
Brundage is a soft-spoken, self-effacing, snowy-haired 52-year-old with two teenage sons and an adult daughter. She started her group 17 years ago after being forced to quit a post office job for lack of good child care. Lonely, exhausted by the demands of a colicky baby and suffering an "identity crisis" over the loss of her job, she ran a newspaper ad seeking other at-home mothers for conversation that extended beyond cloth vs. disposable. What started as four women gathering in Brundage's Elmhurst, Ill., living room has since swelled to an organization with 7,200 members in 174 chapters that has, over the years, turned increasingly political. The organization's Internet home page proclaims a mother's right "to fully explore and develop her identity as she chooses: as a woman, a citizen, a parent or an employee"; asserts women's "right to choose if and how to combine parenting and paid employment"; affirms "the wisdom of each mother to decide how to care for her children, her family and herself."
Still, many mothers -- including some, Brundage said, in Mothers and More -- are uncomfortable with political stances asking them to define themselves apart from their children. It's hard to shake the feeling, Brundage said, that "once you're a mother, you have no needs of your own, you have no wants of your own, you're there to serve your family, and to think otherwise is to question your dedication and your love for your children."
That maternal love is real, of course, and mothers-movement supporters don't deny its power. But they contend that it is being exploited.
"I have one son, and I would die for him," said Crittenden, author of "The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World Is Still the Least Valued." "I would give up anything for him. But I don't want somebody else telling me what I have to give up."
Crittenden's MOTHERS aims to bolster the economic security of caregivers at all income levels by calling for laws such as paid parental leave, Social Security credits for at-home mothers, and proportionate pay and benefits for part-time work. A college-educated mother may pay a "mommy tax" of $1 million in lost income and benefits over the course of her lifetime, according to Crittenden. Lower-income mothers who stay home or work part-time may sacrifice hundreds of thousands of dollars in wages and benefits, while those who hold outside jobs struggle with onerous job schedules, inflexible employers and inadequate child care.
