How should a parent approach the subject?

When I show my book to parents, I suggest they read it first. I say, "Think what it was like for you when you grew up, so that you can be honest when you discuss this with your kid. You can say, 'I was really uncomfortable when I was your age, that's one of the reasons I want to talk about it with you.'"

Second, it's really important to watch your kid and know the right time to start the conversation, usually between the ages of 11 and 15. A young person's transition to becoming sexual happens over a period of time, and there is a very fine line. You're looking at somebody who is playing with Legos one day, checking out the girls the next, and then going back to Legos the day after. The right time is when they are starting to move into this territory. If you wait too long the wall can go up.

Third, and most importantly for the parent, you need to be committed. It will be uncomfortable for you and for your child. So you have to remember that you're doing it for your connection with your child, and to protect them. It's scary out there, and you want them to have the right information so they can make the right choices.

Find a good time to do it, maybe on a Sunday afternoon. Have the place for the talk set up, so it can be quiet and uninterrupted. Set it up maybe for an hour, enough to get into it but not be bored. Maybe be lying down side-by-side with your child, so you're not lecturing at them. Have some kind of a guide that's an entry-level book. Have it be interactive, so each of you takes turns reading. Stop and talk about it. When it starts talking about erections, you could say: "Do you know any other name for erection? I know 'woodies,' 'stiffies' and 'boners.'" And bring in your own experience. You might say, "You know, when I was 13, I remember getting a hard-on when I was at the pool and not being able to move and being so embarrassed."

If your son or daughter came to you while in college and said they wanted to celebrate spring break in Cancun, "Real Sex" land, would you pay for their plane ticket?

I would advise them not to do that because I think that's a lot of the old model. It's a lot of the old stereotype of girls showing their breasts, shaking their butts, and boys going "yeah, yeah, yeah." Girls drinking beer out of a penis dispenser and everybody going "all right, all right." I wish those models would change. I wish that girls could be really wild and really have a great time sexually, and still be respected, and not have to shake their butts and bare their breasts to get boys' attention. No, I wouldn't pay for my kid's plane ticket.

I was interested that you talk a lot in your book about sex being spiritual. As you know, most spirituality advises people to transcend the body and sexuality, looking upon it as a "lower" function. How do you see it?

I think it's a sacred act for a women to let you touch her, to let you in, to literally let you into her body. And for you to want to be there 100 percent for another person, and to do so without ego, without ulterior motives -- not because you want to be seen going out with the quarterback or head cheerleader.

I think there's a transcendency to sexuality that's one of our most intimate ways of connecting with each other as human beings. Transcending the concerns of the everyday world, of what you're going to be doing in school, or your dress or your clothes or how you appear. It's very hard to pretend when you're being sexual with somebody, because there are not that many places to hide. It doesn't mean don't have fun. It just means don't trivialize, minimize or degrade it.

I must admit I found words like "hard-on" and "blow job" a bit jarring, particularly in the context of talking about sex as part of a meaningful relationship.

Everyone forgets when they were 14 or they get caught in needing to be the "proper" adult now. I know when I was a kid it was all dicks and cocks and tits -- that's how we talked. I can hear myself asking, "Did you get laid last night?" I know I wouldn't have said, "Did you and Karen have intercourse last night?" And in all honesty as an adult now I did feel a bit uncomfortable with the language but also caught. I felt if I was too clinical and used words like "erection" or "fellatio" that I wouldn't be connecting with the kids. I was afraid they'd read it and go yeah, yeah, this is a book for adults. But I also felt that too much crudeness wouldn't be conveying the right message. So I tried to find a middle ground where I could refer to the penis as a "unit" rather than as a "dick" or "cock." The kids I showed it to all said not to change the language, because it wouldn't be real to sanitize it. When teenage boys talk about oral sex, they call it "blow jobs" -- not "oral intercourse."

Recent Stories