Well, what about the opposite argument? The kind of meaningful, loving, satisfying sex you describe in your book would make anyone happy. Why not actively encourage teenagers to pursue this kind of sex?

Because it might not be appropriate for your child. Your child might be shy and really quiet, and 22 or 23 before they feel safe enough for it. It is a very exposing thing to be genuinely sexual with somebody. It takes a lot of self-confidence and self-esteem, and they might not be in that place. If you are encouraging them before they're ready you might create a conflict between trying to meet your expectations and what they really feel good about. So I think you're better off giving them the right information, and encouraging them to wait until they're really ready for it.

Did you practice what people today would call "free love" when you lived in your commune as a young man?

Oh, definitely. There wasn't AIDS; STDs were not as rampant, and the culture I was in was supporting a sexual revolution. We were willing to make love on a pretty casual level, if there was a bit of connection, or we were friends, or the timing was right.

Is it something you'd want for your kids today?

No, because I think there were a lot of problems with the sexual revolution. There was a lot of unconsciousness, for example, kids being born who weren't taken care of properly. We weren't sensitive to each other's feelings; we didn't really check in with our partners. We were operating out of a "should" -- "if it feels good do it" -- rather than an emotional and real point of view. Part of being sexual is opening up your heart, literally exchanging energy, and revealing yourself in a very intimate way to another person. I don't think that it's just a physical act. And my experience was that people do get jealous and hurt, there was a lot of heartache. "Free love" comes with a price. You end up spending a lot of your life trying to sort out who's hurt, who's feeling OK, and whose emotions are getting trampled over in any given day.

How do you advocate that teenagers approach sex? What are the stages to go through?

The first stage is that you meet them, ideally in some place you're interested in: music, theater, choir, sports. You're not just there to find a girl or a boy. And maybe for the first while, you're involved with that person casually, in group situations. And that might evolve into doing some things together, social things, mutual interests, things that you both find exciting or fun. And that would progress to talking, getting to know the person, getting to understand what's important to them, what they like, paying attention to who they are. And then that might progress to dancing together, social things, and then touching or actually holding hands first, to kissing, to making out.

What is important in the first sexual stages?

There'll be somebody lying next to you that you care about. Notice how much touch can be transmitted in your fingertips, touch is so important. And kissing. In each of these steps being the best lover is about showing up as a whole person. Don't rush through these steps, don't try to shortchange them. And by the time you want to be sexual with somebody, you will have what you need. You'll be able to talk, you'll know who the person is, you'll know if they like you, you'll be able to ask what they like, to touch them, to kiss them, to not just rush through it.

What happens when you're actually considering intercourse?

Still go slow, notice how your partner is responding and, very important, have a conversation about each other's sexual history. Ask whether we should both get tested. If either partner is not a virgin, you have to realize it might not be them but someone they have been with that might affect you. Without an AIDS test you're not going to know. And before having sex you should probably go down to a family planning clinic and meet with the people there about birth control options and sexual diseases.

Many parents I know assume their kids would never talk to them about sex.

I think parents would be surprised at how much their kids are willing to talk to them if they gave them the chance. One survey I read said that 83 percent of kids said their parents were their most trusted and preferred source of information. But the majority also said that they're afraid to talk to their parents because their parents would be so uncomfortable with it.

Are you saying parents are more resistant than kids to talking about sex?

The reason this conversation has such a hard time happening is because parents are embarrassed about sexuality, because they were never talked to as kids, and it reminds them of how uncomfortable they were as teenagers. And most adults have their own current issues about sexuality. When my son was moving from eighth to ninth grade, I came up with a list of things I felt I had to cover: drugs, alcohol, smoking and sex. The surprising thing for me was that all the other ones were easy, and sex was so hard. I was shocked; I thought, I went through the '60s, what's my problem here? And I realized I'd never been talked to, that it brought me back to when I was a teenager, and that it made me very uncomfortable.

So how do you encourage parents to overcome their own squeamishness about the topic?

I tell them, You're putting hundreds of hours a year into working for your kids' material well-being. You give them music lessons, driving lessons, tennis lessons. But with relationships and sex we kind of pat them on the head and say, "Good luck, see you!" or we say something like "Find somebody's who's nice to you" or "Be careful and don't get pregnant." Well, teaching your child about relationships and sexuality is the greatest gift you can give them. Nothing is going to be more important to their happiness or, ultimately, your own satisfaction with how you raised them.

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