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Wednesday, Nov 25, 2009
In a schizoid world of compulsory chastity and online orgies, how are teenage boys supposed to make sense of sex?
May 12, 2004 | Howard Schiffer is not the first parent to be alarmed that his teenager was learning about sex from either sniggering peers or a deeply confused culture that veers between sexual repression and Internet "creampie" raunch. But he is one of the few to actually write a book for teenagers about sexuality. "How to Be the Best Lover: A Guide for Teenage Boys" describes how sex can be an ecstatic (and healthy) part of life. A former '60s commune member in Oregon, Schiffer is now -- like so many other boomer parents -- trying to find a middle way between the utopian, and sometimes wrenching, sexual experimentation of his youth and the increasingly puritanical ethos of the Bush era.
Schiffer, a wiry, intense, energetic 54-year-old, has three children and is the author of "First Love/Remembrances" and "How to Be a Family: The Operating Manual." He has worked as a midwife and a natural foods vendor. The idea for "How to Be the Best Lover" came to him in 2000, when he noticed his then 13-year-old son displaying clear signs of sexual awareness and development. On a camping trip, his son refused to go swimming and Schiffer writes, "At some point I realized that any movement might have given away the big hard-on" bulging from his son's lap. "Around this time," adds Schiffer, "porn sites started mysteriously appearing on my computer," he says.
The book grew out of a series of talks that Schiffer held with his son over a six-month period. He says that since many families approach the obligatory "sex talk" with as much enthusiasm as a visit to the dentist, he hopes parents will use his book as a catalyst for honest discussions, in which they open up as much as their children.
Salon discussed "How to Be the Best Lover" with Schiffer at his home in Santa Barbara, Calif.
There are a lot of books on the market that stress committed love, sex and intimacy. Why did you feel there was a need for a book directed at teenagers?
There's a big gulf between what I call the "Sex 101" books and the adult books. What's out there for teenagers is elementary anatomy, physiology, birth control and a basic introduction to sex. But I wasn't interested in teaching my son techniques or different positions. I thought it was important to show him how to make the transition from knowing and socializing with girls, to engaging in activities together, to holding hands, to kissing, to touching, to being sexual. I wanted him to see that you don't start off with being sexual.
A technique book focuses the message on the sex. I wanted to focus on the relationship and the connection. What's important is the heart, the emotional component, what's involved when you start becoming intimate and taking chances with each other. It's also important that a book for teenagers use language they can relate to. I'm not aware of any such books on the market.
What is your overall message to teenage boys about sex?
My message is that sex is an amazing thing, and a way that you can get incredibly close to another human being. And it exists on many levels -- emotional, physical and spiritual. And that it comes with certain responsibilities. When I was 14 no one had told me anything. We had these small 4-by-4-inch cartoon porn books we passed around that were just out-and-out smut. Freddy Antonucci, the high school kid down the street, told me that to "do it" you put your thing inside a girl, move it in and out for a couple of minutes and that was it. That's all I knew.
For me, all the talk was of sex as this isolated thing. I'm trying to show young boys that it lives in the context of a relationship. Like saying when a girl first starts wanting you to touch her body, that's one level of commitment. When you start actually being sexual, that's a much different level of commitment. Boys shouldn't gossip about it, for example. If somebody's intimate with you, don't go telling all your friends, treating it like a cheap thing. Honor it like it is something special.
