What was he thinking?

And a lot of guys are struggling with what kind of father they are supposed to be. I thought Anthony Giardina's piece, "A Short History of the (Over)involved Father," really worked because he wasn't afraid to remind men that just because they have a kid doesn't mean the rest of their essence is stripped away. So much of being a parent these days is feeling like you're "supposed" to be doing this or that. You're supposed to be involved in everything your kids do and hover over them asking questions about how much fun they're having and what would they like to do next. It's all about "quality time." Tony's essay traces how this notion is embraced by the popular culture -- particularly mainstream movies -- that preach how family is more important than work, how work is the evil thing that takes parents away from their beloved children during the day, and how if you would just quit your job and go home to your kids everything would be great. But Tony argues that that's a ridiculous notion to embrace -- chiefly because our kids probably don't want us hovering over them all the time anyway -- and also a damaging view of adulthood to present to our children. It's a liberating read that flies in the face of the conventional wisdom, or at least the conventional pressure.

And seeing your father being ambitious -- a guy whose work is as important to him as his family -- really isn't such a bad message. Your parents are your first measuring stick for success. To see your parents overly doting and embracing your life as a child more than their own as an adult is a backward message. When I was young, I saw my father go off into this mysterious and enchanting world of work. To have your father sitting around the house and showing up at all my school events would not inspire children to go out and be successful working adults. It's good for my children to see their parents with ambition; it doesn't mean their childhood is getting cut short or gypped.

Was there a topic you would have liked "Bastard" to address but didn't?

I would have liked another angle on Eric Bartels' essay, "The Problem With My Anger," which is a piece that answers a lot of what's in "Bitch." There's this dilemma of some many 30ish and 40ish fathers with young children and working wives. They are working full time, they are trying to do the modern things that a man is supposed to do now -- helping out with school, maybe doing most of the cooking -- and still what they meet with is never-ending criticism from their wives. The "Anger" piece dealt with it, but as I sought out essays and edited the book there was a lot of hesitancy for men to really lay it out. After all, it's uncouth to be openly critical about your marriage in public.

I've given "Bastard" to a couple of guys who I figured wouldn't find it on their own. They all said they expected to read one or maybe two pieces, then started reading and couldn't put it down. That gives me a certain degree of hope. Yet ultimately there's something sad about the tone of "Bastard" as compared to what's the more intense tone of "Bitch."

The tone of "Bitch" is definitely more aggressive. It's about women going after what they want, making great strides and finding great frustration along the way. But at least they are on the move and going out and grabbing what they want. Men, on the other hand, are often on the losing side of this new power equation in many relationships, and there's something about the men that is more reactionary and on the defensive. They are on the whole very decent guys, trying to please and to do the right thing, but often they wind up feeling frustrated, resented, unneeded. Still, it's refreshing to see among the men here that these aren't men who opt to leave their families because of these conflicts.

It used to be the men leaving for their freedom or whatever, and maybe because they were the ones with the skills and financial independence to make it on their own. But in "Bastard" it's often the women who are doing the leaving and the men who are left holding the bag. As one writer, Robert Skates, says in his essay about his divorce, "I both like and admire my ex-wife. But God help any fool who gets caught standing between that woman and what she wants."

How did writing these books affect your own marriage? Are you like the most enlightened couple ever at this point?

The sappy but true answer is that working on these books has made our marriage stronger. We've learned a lot, we've gone from being solitary writers to almost daily collaborators, and we talk constantly about the problems of modern marriage, either with others or ourselves. The only downside, for me, has been that I made the mistake of suggesting in my introduction that men may need to be more charming "if we want to keep ourselves in the game"; Cathi seized on this, of course, and throws it back at me whenever we're arguing about something. "You're the one who said men need to be more charming," she says. "So be more charming."

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