Journey to the "planet of thin"

When you were over 300 lbs., you said you didn't feel a 36-pound ovarian cyst, or notice how swollen you'd become because of it. Did you lose the numbness when you lost the weight?

There's a lot of pain as bones get exposed. The insides of my knees, and bones in my shoulders would hurt. I would fall down because your center of gravity changes. Suddenly shoes are way too big. I had to replace almost all of them. I had a ring that fell off into the mailbox. But I have less pain now. I was in a lot of pain when I was obese, constant headaches, constant acid indigestion. My back and feet hurt terribly. My cab rides went from being $3,000 a year to $250.

The tradeoff of losing fat on my feet -- and my feet ached -- was that I didn't know that I had one toe that's too long and one toe that's too short. It displaces the weight onto the ball of my feet and I get the most incredibly painful corns. There were things like that where I was just getting to know my body. Who knew I had this problem?

Having all of these new experiences and feelings must have felt like a stimulus overload.

When I got thin, sometimes those jokes that I might make at the counter for a cup of coffee were suddenly flirting. I didn't know that. It took a lot of dates to get that I was part of the date, that I wasn't there as a talking head.

Once I went on a diet, I wasn't sexual for a couple of years. It was way too much for me. When I stopped overeating I was really consumed with losing weight and with the crises at hand and it was as though that switch got flipped off. I knew that at some point dating, love and romance was going to be a question for me, but it was scary simply because of lack of experience. I think that emotionally I didn't need to add that to what was already complicated. I was thrilled to bits that I could tie my shoes. I wasn't sure if I was going to turn out to be pretty. I just needed to slow way down. It took a while after I lost the weight to really begin to come back to it.

Obesity seemed to protect you from the rest of the world while simultaneously humiliating you. Do you have different shame issues now?

What is dating and sex but shame? I always felt shame when a relationship didn't work out: What did I do wrong? I wasn't good enough. I've been very quiet on the dating front since this summer. When I was obese, I did a lot of pathetic yearning and self-sacrifice for people I was in love with. I would do anything for them. I would skip anything or miss anything or disappoint other people for that person and rarely confessed what I was feeling. There was a lot of anguish. Because I was raised with brothers partly, I'm a good pal to men. Men I had crushes on very often wanted to be friends with me because I was a good friend.

You said that your obesity placed a burden of guilt on your friends, creating awkward, often uncomfortable situations, and you went through a lot of friends at the time.

People got tired of me (an inability to participate in many activities, the self-loathing and moroseness). They went on to get lives. With the publication of the book, there's been a lot of bounce-back, and there were people that you just drift apart from and there were never any hard feelings. And then there were a lot of losses because of going into a 12-step program and losing the weight (focusing on "abstinence," ridding herself of unhealthy influences).

Before, I would cancel plans or not want to see people because I wanted to eat (alone). Now it's because this stuff exhausts me. For having lots and lots of extra skin, I don't have as much emotional skin on me as it seems a lot of people do.

Is it still a pleasure to eat?

Oh yeah. I've been famously known to stand up after lunch and say, "There goes the only part of the day I'm going to like." I love to eat. I'm a good cook. My food is delicious. I hate it when it's over and it's time to shut down. I don't like it when people want to have a taste of what's mine, because it's mine, and it's weighed and measured. I don't like eating with people because I can't eat the way I want to. I eat three meals a day, bottom line, weighed and measured at home. Certain foods I don't eat -- like corn, peas, grapes, bananas -- because they have a lot of sugar in them. Nothing in between meals. That's when I'm dieting. When I'm in maintenance mode, I add six ounces of carbohydrates at lunch, and a fruit after dinner. Still, I have the most vivid relationship with food.

Are there things you miss about your old life?

I miss eating. Every day.

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