For my friends who, I believe, represent a cross section of the adult recreational E user, there's something of a split. Some are going to slip further into the self, retreating into one version or another of a happy domesticity, full of fond memories of their roaring 20s and 30s. Whether their minds have learned all they can from MDMA, or their bodies have simply had enough, they've gotten the message: Recreational drugs are best left to the young.

"It seems so stupid to me now, to keep trying to get what she's having or what they're having or what I remember having, only to be reminded an hour into a session of chain-smoking and teeth-grinding that X just doesn't cut it for me," says Robert, the carpenter, who now lives in Sweden. "I'm not saying that I have not had good times on the shit. But on the whole, I have trouble rationalizing its use based on a few isolated incidents of pure wonder."

Others will keep moving down the buffet line. "I find myself drifting to pharmaceuticals," says Victor. "You can trust the quality, you can trust the effects, and you don't feel that bad afterwards. It feels like a more sustainable activity."

Probably so. What worries me is not the weekend Vicodin warriors, but my friends who might go deeper and deeper into harder drugs -- speed, coke, ketamine and worse -- drugs that have the ability to mess up their lives in a way that E never did. I fortunately don't know too many people going down those roads. And the government's much-repeated "gateway" effect -- each drug leads to a harder drug -- was recently discredited by the RAND Drug Policy Research Center.

Still, Dr. Holland reports that for the first time at the Bellevue Psychiatric emergency room, she's seeing people who are on crack, heroin and PCP, who are also using E. "The fact that Ecstasy is now another drug of abuse to the Bellevue crowd is a major change from the last two years," she says. "When people start smoking it or shooting it up is when you really run into trouble." No, those people aren't representative of the vast majority of recreational E users, but when a drug has gone from the dance club to the crack house in just a few short years, there's cause for concern.

Most of my friends think they will continue to use Ecstasy in moderation. "There's been a learning curve in a certain milieu of people who were taking E all the time," says Pippi, now pregnant. "The two-pill nights are way behind me -- with a child it has to be. The occasions in the future will be very, very special." Before we get off the phone, she mentions that she can't wait to stop nursing because she has two hits of really good stuff that she's preserving for a special weekend with her husband.

"I don't do it much now, but I still love X," says Vicki, 34, recently married and living in Los Angeles where she works as a copywriter and volunteers at a suicide hotline. "Even being currently pregnant and drug-free hasn't stopped me from advising every adult who mentions it to try E, just once, to see for one night what it's really like to open your heart to the people around you -- or to your desk and doorknobs, if you stay home -- and feel truly blessed."

"I may be one mischievous middle-aged babe who sneaks in the occasional candy-flip [Ecstasy and LSD together] just to keep me spry," says the still 20-something Suzanne. "I think people will grow nostalgic for their E days, especially the group dynamic. I can see it as a reunion thing."

While Dr. Cadet doesn't waver from his opinion that MDMA is a deadly drug for monkeys, rats, humans, and other creatures, he's optimistic. "What's going on with Ecstasy may be similar to what's happening with HIV. A lot of older gay men saw their friends dying and changed their behaviors regarding sex. As people get older and more papers come out about the clinical effects of drugs like MDMA -- memory loss, serotonin depletion -- the hope is that some of the people who have been using the drug will say, 'I don't want these things to happen to my brain.'"

Organizations like DanceSafe are a good sign that the next generation of Ecstasy users want to keep their brains intact. A peer-based nonprofit that runs on volunteers and donations, DanceSafe works to educate the buzzing world about nightclub safety, but in a way that the rave and nightclub community (and others who are young at heart) can relate to, rather than via scare tactics or egg-frying PSAs. For the past four years, its volunteers have set up tables at clubs where they test pills (so E users know if what they are about to swallow is actually MDMA), handed out ear plugs, pointed out fire exits, and generally worked to decrease the number of E.R. visits among young people. The organization's excellent online slide show, "This is Your Brain On Ecstasy," details exactly how the drug works.

Time will ultimately tell my friends and me how our brains did on E. MDMA pioneer Shulgin concedes that "there may indeed be some changes in the brain that are slow to recover," while at the same time he regrets he hadn't encouraged more MDMA-using therapists to publish their findings. With the MAPS study on the drug's psychotherapeutic properties moving forward, the history of MDMA, interestingly enough, loops back on its beginnings. Shulgin himself is working on discovering another, perhaps less controversial potion with similar upsides. For now, he hasn't had much luck. "There are many compounds with fascinating psychedelic properties," explains a man who has discovered or rediscovered more than 200 mind-altering chemicals in the past 40 years, "but none with the unique magic of MDMA."

MDMA and I have ridden the bell curve: Curiosity led to a little experimentation, then lots of use, some great times, and then too much teeth-grinding. Now, my best guess is that I'll continue to use it with extreme discretion; I'm probably closer to my last pill than my first. My adventures in MDMA have taught me a few things about myself. Although I am someone who for years found nothing more tedious than talk therapy, the lengthy conversations and connections I've had with intimates old and new have been life affirming and important. I tend to stay guarded, yet there's an expansive and emotional person who springs out like a jack-in-the-box after popping a pill. Fortunately, I'm beginning to understand that if you can't incorporate what you learn from a positive drug experience into the waking life, but rather need to endlessly repeat it searching for that same high, it's a useless experience. There's that and the fact that (to paraphrase Clements' "Dog"), despite all this talk about consciousness-raising, much of our time was spent simply lolling about in a love puddle. One can only loll so long.

The woman I first took E with 15 years ago remains a close friend. After a couple of margaritas, we've been known to get a little nostalgic for that first perfect night, with that first perfect hit. Although I no longer pine for it, or her, when I look into her eyes, I can still see traces of that unique magic. I suspect I always will.

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