Find man, lose him, repeat cycle

Behold the Wrong Boyfriend

Maybe you are wondering, "What if I have committed to the serial monogamist lifestyle, and suddenly, out of nowhere, I happen upon my soul mate? What should I do? How can I ensure that I don't start a relationship I can't finish?"

This is an excellent question. Nothing is more embarrassing to a serial monogamist than finding true love. The best way to avoid this is by repeatedly falling in love with one of the following types:

The Mingler

Charming, funny, and impressively skilled at working a room, the Mingler is a snappy dresser with a mouth that more than makes up for that nose/bald patch/walleye/gout. While you never thought you could feel sexually attracted to a guy like the Mingler, his puckish charm will grow on you. You find yourself gradually warming to the idea until you thaw completely and leave an embarrassing puddle on the floor, at which point the Mingler will excuse himself and move on.

Mr. Crusty

A proponent of the view that beauty is on the inside, at least when it comes to him, Mr. Crusty always has several projects of a creative nature cooking at once. He doesn't have time to shower, so don't hassle him. In fact, it is possible that Mr. Crusty may not yet own a shower. This is because Mr. Crusty lives in a warehouse, loft, or other formerly industrial, now stealthily toxic "space" with inadequate heating, which he is remodeling himself. This accounts for his interesting coloring, which is actually ground-in soot, and his shortness of cash.

The Trust Fundamentalist

The Trust Fundamentalist is very intense, having had years of leisure to devote to honing his intensity. Like many rich people who have never worked a day in their lives, the Trust Fundamentalist may have a slightly skewed view of the glittery universe that revolves around him. It's not his fault if he is easily distracted. He may ask you to marry him on the first date, a sure sign that he will not ask you out on a second.

Johnny Hurt

Johnny Hurt can trace the roots of his anguish for three generations. Naturally, he is cautious. Though willing to "do the work" from the second date forward, he is, unfortunately, far less willing to "do the fun." While at first you will want to care for and nurture Johnny Hurt, you will soon want to hurt him, too.

Mr. Successful

Are you the other half in the power couple he envisions? Are you beautiful enough to make his friends want to rip their own heads off? Does your father own a media empire? Does your mother own a Brazilian coffee plantation? If you cannot answer yes to any of these questions, you might want to reconsider your interest in Mr. Successful. Mr. Successful does not fool around. That's why he's Mr. Successful.

The Urban Outdoorsman

The Urban Outdoorsman loves nothing better than being alone in the woods, which is why he moved to the city. Clearly, the urban outdoorsman has many issues, which will not soon be resolved. Do not be confused if the Urban Outdoorsman expects you to keep up his jaunty pace while you are shod in heels. The Urban Outdoorsman is a great believer in sensible footwear, even when attending well-heeled events at well-paved locales.

Child of the Universe

The Child of the Universe is a great person to meet after life has beaten you down. He will impress you with his willingness to ask the universe for everything and anything he needs. Unfortunately, the universe is usually busy and rarely gets back to him. He will then impress you with his willingness to ask you for anything and everything he needs, including the rent money.

The Aspiring Genius

The Aspiring Genius has certain priorities, none of which include you. Highly sensitive and emotional when it comes to his art, his greatest and most lasting passion will always be reserved for his critics, especially when they act as though he doesn't exist. If you are interested in an Aspiring Genius, you would do well to follow this example. If your lack of interest fails to arouse his, try giving him a nasty review. This will never fail to elicit a passionate response.

The Drummer

Any person who enjoys hitting pot-shaped things with sticks has not managed to make the transition from the anal to the oral stage.

"Do You Love Me or Am I Just Paranoid? The Serial Monogamist's Guide to Love," by Carina Chocano, is excerpted with permission from Villard Books.

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