"Love manuals are evil"

What impact do you think the rise of serial monogamy has had on American culture?

Well, I think it has been a real boon to the relocation industry as a whole. People are renting a lot of those U-Haul trucks that fit a one-bedroom apartment's worth of furniture and buying lots of boxes, packing tape, Styrofoam peanuts, bubble wrap, even those little cardboard glass separators.

Also, I would think the couch business has been positively impacted, as our business school friends like to say, because everyone knows what happens to couches when unmarried couples move in together: They bring their two couches together into one apartment, fight about which couch is better, then finally agree to throw them both out and buy a new one. Then, when they break up, there's a major debate over who will get the new couch, and the loser has to go out and buy another new couch. The couch has become the ultimate expendable product. It's the new cigarette.

So, let's see, small truck rentals are up at U-Haul, couch sales are up, and used couches are more available than ever.

Precisely.

What are your qualifications for writing this book? Are you a relationship scientist?

Yes, I have a degree in relationship science.

Is that one of those online degrees where you pay to e-mail back and forth with some teenage customer service reps, and then they send you a piece of paper in the mail with your name and a gold stamp on it?

Yes, in fact, it is. But mine is honorary.

Even though I'm sure you've had only the most mature interactions with the opposite sex, what was the worst way that someone ever let you know that it was over?

One time, I had been seeing someone for about three months, and one day he seemed to be in a bad mood. When I asked what was wrong, he said: "The honeymoon's over. No more Mr. Sunshine." Naturally, we stayed together for another year.

How long was the longest relationship you've ever been in?

Well, let's just say longer than it takes an elephant fetus to gestate, and shorter than the Hundred Years' War.

How many years too long was that?

Exactly.

Are you optimistic about the existence of True Love?

Yes! I believe in True Love. I believe that True Love is an imposing but benevolent old man with a flowing white beard who lives in heaven. No, wait a minute, sorry. I believe that True Love is an overweight but benevolent old man with a fluffy white beard who lives in the North Pole. No, that's not right. I believe that True Love is a hirsute man-beast who roams the wooded areas of the Pacific Northwest.

Can True Love be purchased?

I think it really depends on where you shop. Me, I'm the kind of person who balks at spending $200 on a really nice pair of pants, then blows the same amount on four not-so-nice ones that wind up sagging in the groin area within a few months and live out the rest of their days balled up in the corner of my closet, listening to me complain about having nothing to wear.

About breakups, you write, "You may spend months of valuable time and effort turning your friends against your boyfriend, only to discover that you can't live without him at the last minute." Is there a way around this problem?

One of the most popular, time-tested methods is, of course, to promptly turn against your friends. Needless to say, this is in extremely bad taste, but a cornered rat has no time to think about protocol. Go for the throat whenever possible.

Hear, hear! In your book, you assert that cohabitation "is a great way to ensure that nuptials will almost certainly never take place." Why do you think living together makes marriage less likely?

I'm not exactly sure, but I think it has something to do with forgetting that you are not already married, and mentally jumping ahead to the next logical step in the sequence: divorce.

Your book is enjoyable partially because you take every point to an extreme, so that the whole thing reads like a farce, yet even the biggest exaggerations feel relevant and relatable. Do you feel your book is a direct reflection of your experiences with relationships, or is it more of a farcical romp through the worst that relationships have to offer?

Um ... The second part. Actually, I hope that it will make people who are having a hard time in their relationships feel better. It comes from a place of love.

How can people determine whether or not their relationships are going nowhere?

Well, I think all relationships go somewhere. It just depends on where you want to go. I also don't think that marriage is necessarily "the answer" to all relationships. I have had married friends tell me that the big advantage to being married is that not every fight winds up bringing up the question of whether or not you should stay together, however. I would imagine that this cuts down fighting time considerably.

How about a beauty pageant isolation-booth-style question: What advice would you give to a future generation of serial monogamists?

Follow your heart, even though it has a tendency to jump off bridges, and don't forget to floss.

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