Then she hit me with her psychic beam: "You're an activator and a catalyst and people like you need to have two or three things on the burner."

"It can get problematical in relationships," I said. Relationships. We were on our way. My money was being well spent, after all.

"Oh yeah, but not if you meet someone who's strong enough to handle it. Did you ever notice in the world people don't take well to strong women? We're all for strong men but when a woman gets strong everybody gets nervous.

A strong man? There weren't any men in my life. But I resisted the urge to speak, not wanting to give her cues or prompts.

"You have had kind of an alone time, but that's all right."

Alone? I hadn't been single for years. My neck began to tense. Maybe if I just gave her a little nudge in the right direction ... So I said I was conflicted about moving back to New York.

"I think it's time to go back to New York. Let's say that's where your fortune lies. But it does look like you're gonna get ... I don't want to call it a sideline, but you're gonna get into buying real estate and investing in real estate."

"Really?" I was puzzled. A born renter, I have never in my life owned a co-op, a condo, a house or even an empty lot.

"You can't go wrong, especially in the States where there's never been a time where there's been a buyer's -- and seller's -- market like there is now. I mean, you could buy something in Podunk, Idaho, and it's good."

What was she talking about?! This was my $700 reading? My stomach hurt. She hadn't been like this on "Larry King Live." She'd made sense. She knew what dead people looked like.

I gave her one more chance. I asked about Sept. 11.

"Well, honey, I think everybody took a hit on that one. I don't care where ... they could be in outer Mongolia ... and I think it's not just the World Trade Center; I think it's just ... everything ... went ... goofy."

Goofy?! I cast desperately for a topic that might offer some success. I asked again about relationships. She asked who was "the darker-haired one"? Hellooo! Surely she knew I'm black. Surely she knew that means almost everyone in my life has dark hair.

What about the spirit guides and angels she and Larry King had discussed?

You have, uh, four, uh, angels, and a very, very strong male guide by the name of Khalib."

"And the angels?"

"Just angels."

"Male or female?"

"They're androgynous," she said with what I thought was a touch of impatience.

I always wanted a twin. What they hell, might as well ask her about that, too.

"You had one in a past life ... a hundred years ago ... in France. A twin sister. You two were inseparable and had a millinery shop in Versailles."

Black twins with a hat store in the King's court. Right.

I was screwed. I had thrown away in a half-hour more money than my poor project mother collects from Social Security in a month.

I wrapped it up with a question about my longevity.

"Oh, God, yes, a really long life," said the All Seeing One. "And thank God you won't be stupid or incapacitated. I don't mind living to be old as long as I'm not an idiot."

No danger there, Sylvia. I'm the idiot.

A few weeks later I requested a refund and was sent a standard Refund Policy letter: "The services provided by Sylvia Browne Corporation are highly speculative in nature and we do not guarantee that the results of our work will be satisfactory to a client."

Now that's psychic.

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